FANTZ: ‘Star Wars’ in Mickey Mouse ears

H orse. Shit.


Walt Disney is buying George Lucas’ Lucasfilm and the corporate bully plans to add three more “Star Wars” films.

Since the franchise is about to take a left at FAIL, I’m going to pitch this script to Mr. Walt himself. In the grave, of course.

My script takes place in the fictional town of The Jolly Roger. No names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Pocahontas and Wicket W. Warrick (the Ewok) — who live in the mansion on the hill — spawn a new species they dub Bambi Jar Binks. (It’s the future. Procreation hath no boundaries.)

Across the street from the Warricks resides Luke Skywalker, who has recently started porking Mary Poppins. This duo likes to utilize umbrellas as sex toys and play pinochle with Lady and the Tramp over warm TaunTaun guts. They also spend much of the script chasing around that stupid little fuck Roger Rabbit who keeps chewing up their garden’s Fraggles.

(Skywalker also pops crazy pills to erase the fact that Darth Vader is, indeed, Luke’s father.)

In the cul-du-sac reigns Tron, who is in a domestic partnership with Fozzie the Bear. Their pet Simba likes to spoon Indiana Jones, who rents Tron’s backyard carriage house.

Howard (as in, the Duck) is the town villain. He runs around town shooting glitter out of his asshole. Once the glitter hits pavement, Disney Princesses surface (like Gremlins — which is Warner Bros., but all alike). Keep in mind, the Princesses cannot be fed after midnight, otherwise they turn into Jareth the Goblin King (David Bowie, “Labyrinth.”)

Stay with me.

The film will conclude with a sex tape scandalously released through the Laser Tubes (internet’s brother from another mother’s lover) of Hannah Montana and Jabba the Hut banging like beasts in Death Star’s champagne room.

Willow, whose impending crush on Billy Ray Cyrus is clouding his judgement, ignited said scandal to get Hannah in trouble with her daddy.

This twist will bleed into 2016’s: “High School Musical 7: Chewbacca’s Vengeance.”

Stay tuned. I think Grumpy the dwarf makes an appearance.


I saw a picture of P. Diddy dressed as Prince, “Purple Rain” era, at the Playboy Mansion’s Halloween party.

Egads. I think Lionel Richie ate Bob Ross.

Aw, happy belated birthday, Bob Ross!

Good talk.

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