B y the time you read this, it should be the 5th of November of 2012 A.D.

I mean, unless you’ve chosen to mark your days on this planet using a calendar outside the Gregorian one — which would not only be amazing, but also clear the path to a zillion excuses for missing baby showers, meetings at work and turning your picks in on time for the office pool.

(“Sorry, man, I thought it was due at 8 a.m. B’en Chikchan, man. You want me to turn this stuff in on time? Give me a deadline in Mayan.”)

Anyhow, right now, today — while I’m making the typey-typey — it’s Nov. 1.

It’s as if I’m speaking to you from the past, ain’t it?

People Of the Future: The world I live in right now is only a few hours away from Halloween. Here, on the 1st, there are people still battling hangovers, still posting their homemade robot costumes on Facebook, still trying to figure out where the hell that extra package of mini Twix went.

And yet — AND YET — some folks interpret the sound of ripping the “October” page out of their calendar as the starter pistol for fishing the Christmas decorations out of the storage shed. Not the fake cornucopia or the blowup turkey doll, but the gingerbread men and the purple Christmas tree and the Santa hats. It’s insane.

I’m stacking electric pumpkins into a pile on the floor at work today and the dude next to me wants to discuss an ugly holiday sweater party. My buddy, Robin, posted pictures of her daughter in her adorable Halloween costume and hours later, wrote, “Merry Christmas!”

Maybe she was joking. She must have been joking. But either way, I spit cold coffee everywhere and, in true Lebowski fashion, asked, “Whu? What day is it?”

Yes, I took down last year’s winter snowflake decorations in the kitchen to make room for the pumpkin lights — two weeks ago. And yes, Frosty the Snowman might be hanging in the window by the end of the week. And yes, I’ve already made a few batches of mulled wine. Yes. Yes I have. But I’m crazy.

Just because Target and Safeway and Marlinda’s Discount Top Hats thinks it’s kosher in mid-October to shove the candy corns over for the candy canes, doesn’t mean the rest of us have to start stringing up 10,000 imported Italian twinkling lights and perfecting our rum ball recipes the minute our jack-o’-lanterns cave in on themselves.

I’m gonna make an effort this year to focus on Thanksgiving. I will find that blowup turkey doll and I will hold off on all December-related decorating until December. This is my solemn vow.

And you people of the future, you people who are almost a week into November, heed my words, uh, for the man who doth not learn from history is doomed to light the traditional fra-gee-lay leg lamp light too early.

ACTIVITY CORNER: Change the calendar system on your friend’s phone to “Buddhist.” On the iPhone, go to Settings/General/International Calendar and voila: several apps will immediately stop making sense. I know because I did it to my own phone, being both curious and dumb. Weirdly, the app most affected by this idiotic experiment was the one tracking my Lady Times. See you in Be’n Chikchan, Aunt Flo.

SHOUTOUT: Thanks to the Boulder Café bartender for martini and encouragement. You rule.

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