I’ve got a small member, but gigantic balls. Are girls cool with balls? Can I pleasure a girl with my big balls? Please don’t publish my name.

–Bowling for clementines


Sometimes we feel like a nut — but usually I don’t, because I’m allergic to most of them. (Except Husband’s.)

I had a bar buddy who would boast and brag about how he had the biggest balls. He wouldn’t shut the shit up about them. I never saw them, but I’m surprised he never walked into the bar with that pair of titans slung over his shoulder.

He was British. Odd fuck.

Anyway, besides making me laugh, because balls are funny, it didn’t really spank my fancy.

That’s not to say broads don’t like balls.

Balls, to us without, are our forbidden fruit (and nut mix). This is what we know: We can be callous and hurt you where your spawn swims with a swift kick or crunch; they shrivel up when cold; they don’t dip in the water when you sit on the toilet (although maybe yours do); they get blue when we half-ass things; and finally, they contain your DNA to mix with our scrambled eggs’ DNA.

Oh, and we… For graphic’s sake, Fantz, stop now.

Anyway, that’s the extent of my knowledge on your prized jewels. I don’t know if you can shove them into various orifices — I would assume that would hurt.

I think you need to watch more porn.

Or find a fetish crew — like a bunch of dudes with huge nuts. That way you kids can lasso them over your heads while you talk about Tiger Woods and steaks.

Or, you can find a desperate broad who’s looking to get knocked up — those swimmers must shoot far and she probably doesn’t care about your lack of girth and such.

OR: Ask a dude.

Do I look like I have a cock under this skirt?

Dear Christy,

I just started dating this guy and he keeps taking me on dates to local breweries. The problem is, I hate beer. I’ve been stomaching some of the fruity beers, but this guy is obsessed with beer and I don’t want to hurt his feelings.



Don’t be such a pushover. You’re letting him dictate dates, all the while he thinks you’re having a great time.

Tell him there’s these neat things called bars that not only have beer, but also wine, hard liquor and whiskey. And also whiskey.

People are averse to many things, but the difference between is that they probably learned how to speak their minds.

Oh, and also, who doesn’t like beer?

You live in Colorado, woman. Man up.

Good talk.