Fantz is too busy doing the whole paper while Jenn Fields is living it up in Bali. Here’s a classic Fantz In Your Pants for your reading pleasure.

D ear Christy,

I want to remain a virgin until marriage. If my boyfriend “puts it in” but does not move, does that count? I don’t think it does, but my friend says it does.

How do you draw the line between making out and having sexual intercourse? Officially?

— Paralyzer


Officially? When your boyfriend “puts it in.”

Prescription: A little light reading via “Gray’s Anatomy.”

(Fantz, spell it out. The broad needs it.)

The 1858 human anatomy textbook by Henry Gray, not the television show. That’s “Grey’s Anatomy.”

You wouldn’t grasp the distinction. Sixth grade Sex Ed will suffice.

Sex is born when genitals hug.

Now go restore that stretched hymen and convert to a born-again virgin.

Just remember: You’re still a sweet little whore in our eyes.

Dear Christy,

I like to wear granny panties because they’re comfortable. This leaves my underwear drawer with unsightly lingerie.

My boyfriend gets annoyed because he wants me to wear sexy knickers, but I feel weird with a piece of string up my ass all day.

What should I do?

— Cotton Candy


The average girls’ daily thought: “If I get in an accident today, what if they have to saw off my clothes? I’m sporting high-waisted cotton Hanes with a hole in the crotch. Shit. There will be firemen there.”

Please. Like that scenario doesn’t dance through your mind like a J.C. Penny shapewear sale.

Sure. Granny panties were comfortable. In the fourth grade.

Once you make that swap to hot pants, boy shorts or thongs, reverting to that tent those gams endlessly kick through will subsequently become the rotten pair.

Ugh. It’s all bunchy. That low-leg elastic visible panty line we are forced to gawk at in the coffee line (through those too-tight leggings paired with a too-short shirt) kinda looks like you’re sporting Zach Galifianakis’ tighty whiteys. (No hate, Mr. G. I’d gladly slip into those briefs.)

Make the switch.

(Keep a couple pairs on reserve for the “bad friend.” Hush, boys. Borrow Paralyzer’s “Gray’s Anatomy.”)

You can still be sexy and comfortable.

Don’t like thongs? Try low-waisted cheeksters, boy shorts, or even full-coverage panties in lace or satin.

Those bitches that come up to your bra line will come in handy for mopping the floor. (With you out of them, pervert. Stop dry humping the tile and get a vibrator already.)

Good talk.

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