FANTZ: Hollywood’s princesses and damsels in distress

I t’s almost National Princess Week (April 21-27).

I’ve got my pink tulle, my Claire’s tiara and my magic wand, AKA corn dog.

In honor of this arbitrary week, Hollywood Headaches took the liberty in honoring some modern day princesses and three reasons why they deserve the status.


Jennifer Lawrence

1. “The Hunger Games.” I quite enjoyed that flick.

2. She already has an Oscar at 22. (Bitch.)

3. She’s a modest broad, as she told a British rag: “I was raised to have value for money, to have respect for money, even though you have a lot of it. That’s why [hotel] mini-bars are difficult, because it’s like, yes, I can afford a $6 Snickers bar, but there’s something wrong with that!”


Dan Savage

1. The journalist’s syndicated sex column, “Savage Love,” is the stars “Fantz in Your Pants” reaches for.

2. He and his husband Terry Miller started the “It Gets Better Project” to help prevent suicide among gay youth.

3. In response to Republican politician Rick Santorum’s promise to pray for him — the bitchfight goes back almost a decade when Savage coined an anal sex term eponymous with the Pennsylvania senator’s surname — Savage responded with: “Rick can pray for me. I’ll gay for him.”


James Franco

1. His eclectic roles — from “Freaks and Geeks” to “Howl” — shows he just wants to act and he don’t give a cuss. (Or he just wants to fondle piles of benjis.) Case in point: After being nominated for a Golden Globe for his stoner role in “Pineapple Express,” he then joined the cast of the daytime soap opera “General Hospital” on a recurring basis. (What, what, what, what…)

2. A viral photo of him completely passed out in class as a grad student at Columbia circulated, as fellow students ran amok with rage. Their fury subsided after playing Dress the Trust Fund in a Cardigan.

3. “They say living well is the best revenge but sometimes writing well is even better,” he said at some point. Damn straight, boy. Because my “living well” is only revenge for my own damn liver.


Damsels in distress

These classy chaps only get two reasons:

Chris Brown

1. He can still hang on to girlfriend Rihanna years after he ruthlessly beat her.

2. He has the word “fame” tattooed on his sleeve of ink. (So cool.)


Angelina Jolie

1. She made out with her brother.

2. She graciously took off her one million dollar, 16-carat, gaudy engagement ring while on a humanitarian trip to Africa. (All hail Saint Angie.)



1. Her vagina doubles as a clown car.

2. While she’s stripping for food stamps, patrons can watch her saggy tits swing like a two-ton pendulum.


Jared Leto

1. Jordan Catalano, helllllo. (Go back to sleep, young-timers.)

2. He gets the pulp beat out of his pretty mug in “Fight Club.”

He gets a bonus No. 3 as a damsel in distress: He recently told a London radio station “Someone cut their ear off once and sent it to me… A whole ear… The note said, ‘Are you listening?’ I never knew who it was.”

It wasn’t an ear. It was your vagina that fell out of those leather pants last week.

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