Matt Sayles
FANTZ: Kat Von D to marry under the sea

Kat Von D is getting hitched to Deadmau5 on Aug. 10, under the sea.

Baby it’s better down where it’s wetter, take it from Von D. (That’s what she scribed in the men’s room.)

The “LA Ink” tattoo artist told People mag that there will be blue and green food (Mmm. Blue casserole shit from Country Buffet.), mermaids and a Kat will wear a sea-themed wedding dress.

So special. I hope Jesse James is a bridesmaid. (He got married for the fourth time last month. Seems his new broad is jiggy with pants pests.)

As for the nuptials down under, who knows what that process will entail.

Let’s visualize: Kat rises out of crystal waters like sea-hag Ursula, dripping black eyeliner and wringing out her scales.

Meanwhile, Deadmau5 will surface in Minnie Mouse ears screaming, “Kat! Your penis is showing!”

I should be a wedding planner.


Kid Rock vs. Jay-Z and JT


Kid Rock called Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake’s upcoming “Legends of Summer” tour “highway robbery” on Piers Morgan’s show.

“It’s garbage,” he said of the tickets that start at $90. “I’ve always tried to keep prices at what I think are fair. I’ve always said I’m proud that I can walk around with my head held high knowing that I haven’t taken an [honest] dollar from a working man.”

Kid, I see your conundrum, but I raise you one.

Would the Kid prefer a $700 Fix-a-Flat asslift from “Dr.” Oneal Ron Morris or pec implants from Dr. 90210?

You get what you pay for.

Kid Rock is the Sears of music, whereas JT and Jay-Z are the Bergdorf Goodman. Mr. Rock knows very well that we can’t stroll into a Sears and find a pair of Jimmy Choos. Nor does Bergdorf’s stock rodent fur vests and Truck Nutz.

Prices may be exorbitant, but so is Kid’s Confederate Flag.


Crazy train

Everybody CALM DOWN.

Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne are not getting divorced.

Ozzy confirmed this on Facebook:

“For the last year and a half, I have been drinking and taking drugs…”

Man that dude’s brain is still at capacity with crushed OxyContins and bat appendages. Hasn’t it been more like 45 years since he’s been sucking synthetic sauce?

(Let the man finish a damn story.)

“I was in a very dark place and was an asshole to the people I love most, my family. However, I am happy to say that I am now 44 days sober.”

Oh. Congrats on your newfound sobriety.

Now go cook your woman some rabies. 




The original 90210 alum, Ian Ziering, plans to dance with the Chippendales dancers for four weeks at Las Vegas’ Rio in June.

Just like Oprah shows, underneath each seat will be a box of adult diapers and denture cream.

blog comments powered by Disqus