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Adam Levine. What a (insert word here).
Associated Press
Adam Levine. What a (insert word here).

Once upon a pop star, Adam Levine’s net worth of $15 million took him to a magical place called Reality TV, where he’s tasked with working seven hours a week. (Give or take.)

Alas, he hates America.

(Much like Muurrrica, but without the rebel flag.)

Levine got all pissy when viewers ejected two of his contestants on “The Voice.” (I don’t know what that means, that show interferes with my toe waxing.)

Much to his chagrin, he was heard muttering “I hate this country.”

Then NBC apologized (i.e., put his name on a released statement):

“I obviously love my country very much and my comments last night were made purely out of frustration.”

As much as I like to disparage Levine’s cheese-laced carriage (oh hush ladies, he’s not that cute), perhaps he should try out for a drug cartel reality show in Mexico City.

I hear the slums are slammin’ this time of year.


She’s a mess

Let’s go party with Amanda Bynes.

She’s a retired actress at 27 who lives in New York City. She gets rip-shit on hash like a job. By day, she spends her free time wandering aloof in the city with her pink-haired best friend, Shmamanda Shmynes (who lives in her ear) — whilst tweet-slapping celebrities by night.

Sad state of affairs, my arse. I’ll take that job.

Anyway, aside from telling Jenny McCarthy, Rihanna and model Chrissy Teigen that they’re ugly (it was probably Shmamanda — she’s blind), she also got in quite the scuff with Courtney Love.

Love tweeted to Bynes to “pull it together dude,” while Amanda tweeted back, “Courtney Love is the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen. To be mentioned by her at all makes me and all my friends* laugh!”

Love telling someone to “pull it together” is like asking Paris Hilton to spell “heiress.”

*Huey the Hairball, Billy Bob the Bong, Tilda the Pop Tart and Spatula Sean.


Cheating hearts

LeAnn Rimes told People mag that her affair in 2009 with now husband Eddie Cibrian made her feel “pathetic” and she was “disgusted” with herself.

So, we’re still talking about this then?



Snooki sheds the pounds

Snooki is showing off her toned abs all over the worldwide smartphones, to our elation.

“Finally starting to come together after having a baby in there!” she Instagramed. (Instagramed is a verb now.) Apparently she lost 44 pounds since her 9-month-old son was born.

Props, broad. Aside from the RuPaul war paint, the bump-it-like-it’s-hot bouffant and acrylic claws that like to play Stab the Guido, she’s not lookin’ too shabby.


Big mistake

Whoops a daisies.

Denise Garrido was crowned Miss Universe Canada on Saturday, then dethroned her Sunday saying it was an error, with scores that were jacked due to a typo glitch.

Then she realized that being crowned Miss Universe Canada would only get her modeling gigs for Canadian “blended” whiskey.

Anything they can do, we can do better.

Oh, Canada. I jest for sport.

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