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P rancercise. If you have an internet connection, you’ve seen the video by now and have been consumed by the horse-like prancing, public domain funk soundtrack and camel toe.

This workout video first came to my attention yesterday. It spread around the office like glitter and it’s clinging just as stubbornly. While I was in the depths of writer’s block, co-workers jokingly suggested I write about Prancercise.

That’s basically a dare. Here I go. There is some musical fun to be had with this.

Mainly, it’s the “rhyme rap.” Prancercise creator and star Joanna Rohrback used the term to refer to the delightfully weird encouragement she offers throughout this “fitness workout” when she spoke to the Miami New Times.

My favorite: “It’s better to be punching into space than in your face.”

First of all, sure. I would rather not get punched in the face, and I definitely don’t want to be punched in this face by someone carrying weights. She’s dropping truth rhymes.

And she definitely is rhyming. She is not rapping and this “rhyme rap” term she’s coined (please don’t tell me this a thing people say) is even more annoying than the term “rap music.” But this is all beside my point.

 

Time to bust some Prancercise rhymes.

 

Summer’s here, that booty’s saggin’

Your man noticed and he’s been naggin’

 

Girl, tone it up

Giddyup

 

That diet’s no good if you don’t move

So make it fun, get into the groove

 

Take it from me

Go on a prancing spree

 

Don’t run like a chump

Prance around and jump

 

Yoga’s for hippies, lifting’s for bros

Do something classy, workout on your toes

 

You’ll feel like an ace

Moving with horse — like grace

 

When it’s all said and done

You’ll have really nice buns

 

And with an ass of steel

That man will heel

 

Twerk.

 

*mic drop*

 

All right, Ms. Rohrback. The ball is in your court. Or the horse is in your stable. If you’d like the rights to my inspiring rhyme raps, get at me.

I don’t want to pressure you, but this is business, so let’s get down to it. I’ll want royalties, of course, and if you want me to perform myself, I’ll need roundtrip airfare, meals provided (pizza and beer, all day, every day) and lodging.

If you can’t acquire the rights to satisfactory Motown backing tracks, I’ll need to bring in a band and writing team at your expense.

Any future dubstep remixes must be approved by me.

Also, I’d love for you to style me. And maybe we can duet? In matching tracksuits?

Giddyup.

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