Wrinkly ol’ Michael Douglas is now every gal’s hero. (A marriage to Catherine Zeta Jones and a svelte Speedo figure helps.)

While talking about his diagnosis and recovery from throat cancer, he recently told a British rag: “Without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV, which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”

So, that blew up on the internet. Obviously. Oral sex and all.

Then he clarified, once his remarks circled the web wide world (you’re backwards): “Head and neck cancer can be caused by many things, including HPV virus, smoking, alcohol, drug abuse, genes, environment and stress. I do not know what caused my particular cancer.”

Kudos, old man. Not afraid of a bean in that beak. (Heed, gentlemen.)

Leather and grace

Catwoman called me all distraught Monday morning wondering if I could put a plea out to the public: She lost her leather bodysuit.

Keep your claws on, pussy. It was spotted Monday night at the Miami Heat game clothing Justin Bieber. (Catwoman also told me that LeBron James shines like Hale–Bopp. Not to be confused with MMMBop. So it’s a good thing the Biebs had sunglasses on.)

Tiny dancer

Channing Tatum and his wife had a baby girl last week.

“It’s crazy because I always imagined being a dad, but I never imagined the pregnancy part. This has definitely been a journey,” he told Yahoo!

Poor dude. He probably had acid indigestion the third trimester, swollen feet, a craving for chocolate-stuffed cucumbers and now a very sore vagina.

(Wear maxi pads in your Magic Mike thong until the bleeding halts.)

Hats off to you, sovereigns

Tuesday at Westminster Abbey, the monarchs celebrated the 60th anniversary of Queen Elizabeth’s coronation. (Those royals throw raging keg parties even when Prince Philip has a bowel movement.)

Coronation, 60 years — that’s an occasion I suppose. But when are they going to celebrate the $1,200 Jane Taylor beaded cocktail hat that the Duchess of Cambridge (Kate Middleton, laymen) wore to the affair?

Party planners: The hat is registered at Lord & Taylor. I’m getting it a handle of Kentucky Deluxe.

Two knocked up pals

A pregnant Jessica Simpson threw her BFF CaCee Cobb a baby shower over the weekend. Cobb is married to Donald Faison (aw, of “Clueless” and “Scrubs”) and they announced their pregnancy in January.

Kate Middleton’s hat was the belle of the ball. It wore a blue Philip Treacy designer hat with a maraschino cherry on top.

Reunited and it feels so blah

Backstreet’s back, alright!

Since the ’90s boy band decided to reunite and tour — much to menopause’s excitement — they stopped in China to visit some panda cubs at Chengdu Panda Base.

Each Boy is pictured holding a squirmy, polka-dotted little fuzzy fella like a teddy bear.

So darn cute.

Minus the Backstreet Boys.

And the reunion.

See you at the 1stBank Center in Broomfield on July 16th, Boys! Said three old maids.