After researching schools, you decided to come to a place where the Subarus grow like sunflowers and organic kale wears yoga pants to CrossFit. Hold me.
Although Boulder is one of the most majestic places you’ll ever lay your sweaty eyeballs on (ew), it can also be a quite daunting town to fit into.
The People’s Republic constantly garners national attention as one of the fittest cities in the nation. It’s a mecca of green living, a free-spirited commune. Chickens grow in backyards. Yogis ooze spirituality. Outdoorsy folks sprint towards the nearest crag. Cyclists own the road. Snowsports trump midterms.
Then there’s poor little us.
We shotgun processed-cheese pizzas. We chug Easy Cheese straight out of the can. We buy nitrate-filled lunchmeats at King Soopers because we can’t afford Whole Foods.
Woe is we.
Don’t worry, little Buffs, you’re not alone.
You don’t have to have the tightest ass in Boulder to workout. You don’t have to munch on organic arugula en route to your ninth 5K this month.
You can drink a corn syrup-filled Dr. Pepper and snack on Doritos on the way to the bar. So you may not fit into the Boulder stereotype. But you can still thrive in this pretty little town by being just your lovely self.
No Subaru? No problem.
Although they are sturdy pieces of machinery to get Boulderites from point A (mountain) to point B (climbing gym), the roads are saturated with the cars.
If you’re terrified to reveal that you drive a 1994 conversion van that was passed down from your uncle (and garners a hefty 8 miles per gallon), just tout that you walk and bike everywhere.
If a nemesis judges you, just throw your cigarette on the ground and run like a good little smoker can. They’ll be too distracted picking up your litter.
You don’t ski
Why the hell do you live in Colorado? You don’t utilize the mountains? Why don’t you just move back to Florida?
Well because there’s no humidity here to make me look like Bozo the Clown and I also like to look at pretty scenery too, jerks.
While those snowsport homies are waiting in extended lines at the slopes, we have an ultra-productive day in front of us: beauty rest ’til 4 p.m., practicing the golf swing on the Wii and then walking to the bar so we can test out the newest craft beer or 13. (We’ll walk off the calories on the way home too.)
Meanwhile, guess who woke up at 6 a.m. to plow through a bunch of white junk? Not us. (Well, Lindsay Lohan did too, but that’s neither here nor there.)
You aren’t green enough
You pay 10 cents per grocery bag because you always forget your damn canvas bag at home. Your SUV is paid off, so why would you get a Prius? You pollute virgin lungs with cigarette carcinogens and you just threw your damn banana peel in the trash.
You’re not a bad person because you don’t have to have a compost bin. It’s your cents to waste at the grocery store — so you’re welcome, Boulder bag fee.
As long as you’re a proper human being who respects neighbors, you don’t have to live inside the Boulder bubble.
Be good to Boulder and it will be good right back to you.
If it’s not, remind everyone that your Chevy Tahoe can plow over a pack of Priuses in one fell swoop.
Plus, you piss synthetic pesticides, so mean people better watch their garden’s back.