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If you think Jennifer Lawrence is fat then we need to talk. And by talk, I mean fight.
If you think Jennifer Lawrence is fat then we need to talk. And by talk, I mean fight.

Jennifer Lawrence told Harper’s Bazaar that she was called fat as a younger actress and was told to lose weight if she wanted to keep her job.

Lawrence, a 23-year-old actress who already earned an Oscar, said it still stings, telling Elle mag last year that, “in Hollywood, I’m obese.”

(Since I will be famous one day, and I am a curvy bitch, if anyone in Hollywood told me I was fat, I would roll an entire roasted pig in a tortilla and bring it in for lunch the next day. And chew with my mouth open while shotgunning PBRs.)

“They thought that because of the way my career had gone, it wouldn’t still hurt me … I was a little girl,” Lawrence said. “I was hurt.”

And as the world turns, actresses lose their innocent little souls and beautiful bodies to fat agents’ greasy tongue lashes.

Young girls’ psyches are shaped early. Don’t you dare destroy the poor lassies with the wretched Hollywood Bible. Harvey Levin is the only one who still studies it.

Jennifer Lawrence is a charming, accolades-deserving beauty.

Don’t worry, those agents will rot alone with a 2-liter jammed up their anal cavity. (“I swear doc, I ‘accidentally’ sat on it while I was walking around with no pants on.”)

All in the family

Woody Allen took a break from plowing his adopted daughter to cry into his Oops I Crapped My Pants on Wednesday.

Meanwhile, his so-called son Ronan Farrow just caught the most epic break.

Mia Farrow revealed to Vanity Fair that her child genius Ronan, 25, (whose resume boasts human rights activist, Hillary Clinton as a boss, freelance journalist, lawyer and Obama administration staff) may actually be the son of Frank Sinatra — and not Woody Allen.

Holy government shutdown, giant pandas! It’s Christmas in October. Not only can those fuzzy bears poop on the zoo staff (panda cams are shut down, party!), but Ronan just landed the dopest gift.

The dapper-looking lad’s genes — blondie with crystal blue eyes — do seem to match the famous crooner’s style more than that of a frumpy old grandma — whom Soon-Yi dubs “husband.” (Allen’s slampiece.)

In the same Vanity Fair story, Farrow’s 28-year-old daughter broke her silence after 20 years, and described to the magazine that her fear of Woody Allen is”crippling.” She alleges that he sexually abused her during her childhood.

Read the story. It’s shocking and sad.

Allen, of course, denies the whole thing.

Meanwhile, let’s go quietly into the fair night, slather Woody with Sweet Baby Ray’s and feed ’em to those fat Hollywood agents. With enough grease, they’ll just think it’s a slab of wiry game.

Mmm. Tastes like jail tail.

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