Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

Dear Christy,

I am a liberal, tree-hugging, gun-disdaining, wine-sipping, book-reading, football-oblivious twentysomething Boulder gal who has found myself dating a conservative, gun-totin’, whiskey shootin’, George Bush (senior!)-lovin’, oil rig worker from Louisiana with a gorgeous Southern drawl and an even nicer six-pack. Am I completely nuts for dating him?

—I Have No Idea What I’m Doing


First of all, thank bars you said “senior.” I almost flushed you right down Gmail’s shitter.

Although opposites attract, you’ll probably wind up cracking his six pack of Budweiser over the head with your repurposed, gluten-free wine bottle. Or he’ll resort to plowing your Subaru with his monster truck — and not in the genital-hugging way.

Of course, I’m going to tell you to give it a sawed-off shot to appease all walks of life, but if you want me to save you some Xanax, hear here.

There is nothing wrong with either lifestyle choice. However, you both seem to have wandered too far off middle’s spectrum to make way for conflicting ways.

Do they even have bike lanes in Louisiana? They sure don’t breed many flavors of conservative in Boulder.

He may be a chiseled Southern god, but your fair-trade panties will be soiled after he drops his Confederate flag drawers. And not from the size of his shotgun, but because of that inked Calvin on his ass, pissing on the Ford logo.

I say you pound the dude raw, then bleaux that gumbo stand.

(Just the) tip: Before you leave the land of the creole, gorge your sore drawers (I said raw, woman) on some crawfish étouffée. Then swap out the swamp jorts for your Lululemon pants.

If you do make it work, let me know and I’ll give you a mess of Quaaludes to be on par with his articulation. (You say “gorgeous” drawl, I say Britney Spears has processed cheese food all over her face.)

Dear Christy,

Why do straight women LOVE gay romance? I love watching man-on-man porn.

—Straight woman with a fetish

Pole position:

I wasn’t aware of this fetish.

Maybe because — much like the Sklar brothers, Lady Gaga and Doublemint Gum — there are two penises.

Or maybe you just like gay porn.

Perhaps ask that E. L. James broad. She seems to be all up in the romance world’s crotch.

Now quit clanging your vibrators together before I put you in timeout.

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