Christy Fantz

Dear Christy,

I need a new pickup line for the ladies. Have you heard any good ones lately?

—Pickup artist

Yeah. Because I’m 13.

It’s called, “Hi, how are you?” “Your hair is beautiful.” “Are you a Buffs fan?” “Nice bike, do you know of any good trails?”

We aren’t picky. We like an observant dude who is there to start a meaningful conversation. Not a dude who’s there to spit semen in public.

In high school, I got this gem: “Hi, my name is Chance, do I have one?”

He didn’t.

Don’t use pickup lines. Just be genuine. Engage us bitches in an interesting thread. Find something unique about the girl and go from there. Husband told me a G-rated pirate joke the first time I met him and I took him home and plowed him.

Don’t judge. He liked it so he put a ring on it.

If anything, tell us your name is Chance when we’re bobbing for rainbows in a bucket of whiskey, and hope for the best.

Dear Christy,

I don’t know why I can’t ever get dates. My friends tell me that I’m too negative. I’m cute, but I guess I do find the bad in everything. Do you think negativity turns guys off?

—Negative Nelly

Sad pants:

Yes! Yes! Yes! A million times yes!

Oh. I thought you asked me if you should shut your whine hole.

Think about your options. Would you rather date a sour puss who poops on every day’s smiley mood or a happy chap who shines the mood clean with Sex Wax?

Don’t say neither. (You would.)

Nobody likes a sourpuss. If they did, we’d all be banging Kristen Stewart. But, much like all pessimists, she’s wound so tight that she’s been rendered unbangable. Who wants that?

Do us all a favor and lift your gloomy Eeyore head. Smile at people. Look up with a high head and a confident pose. Think about puppies and fuzzy blankets and chocolate-covered burritos.

We are all allowed to have tantrums, but keep that shit in your own pants — or your friends’. The world could care less about your conundrums. Sad, but true. The more negativity you ooze, the more we collectively roll our hungover bloodshot eyeballs at you.

Try to make a serious effort to turn your antagonistic nature around. It is possible. Plus, it will help deflect suppressed feelings. You’ll be surprised at the positive response you start getting from the world.

Whoa. I need to get my head out of Oprah’s ass before Gayle King rips my rack off.

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