Christy Fantz

Dear Christy,

Remember that “Seinfeld” episode where Jerry’s girlfriend walks around naked and he gets sick of it? Well that’s me. My girlfriend always takes all her clothes off when she gets home and doesn’t put them on until she leaves. I know things leak out of bodies, because I’m also a girl. It was sexy at first, but it’s starting wear on me. Pun intended.

—Clothed lesbian

Soiled sofa:

Of course I remember that “Seinfeld” episode. I once had pre-racism Kramer on my laminated top five. Giddyup.

Ixnay on the naked irlfriendgay? Well, Occupy is going to pitch a tent in your pants because you’re the “other” 1 percent.

But that’s OK. We get it. There’s leakage. Some women pee a little when they cough and sneeze. (Shhh. Some dudes have manboobs and wear sharts to work.) Then there’s that fertile time when us broads lay eggs. And also, that time of the month… (Dammit, woman, put on a diaper.)

Tell your lady she’s unwittingly eliminating all elements of surprise for you, and that you don’t get that tingle in your twinkle anymore. You’re correlating her nude to everyday activities — like eating a Cuban, watching “Walking Dead” and Sweatin’ to the Oldies with Richard Simmons.

If she doesn’t pay heed to your concerns, then walk around naked with a unicorn horn hanging out of your butthole and severed doll faces on your jugs.

I don’t know what that will do, but that’s what I would do in this situation because I’m a child.

Good talk.

 

Dear Christy,

My girlfriend cooks for me all the time and she’s a horrible cook. I have to drown my plate in hot sauce and salt. Is there a nice way to say her cooking sucks?

—Prime palate

T-Bone snake:

There is a nice way: Make your own damn food.

Sure, we’ve all had rubbery chicken, dry lamb, mushy noodles, more-than-well-done burgers, dry salmon and boiled meat.

But it sounds like your lady is just trying to be kind. She probably doesn’t know better and just wants to jam some grub in your gut.

You should cook with her and give her some kind pointers. Kind. Like, “I’ve found that if I brine my meat, it’s more tender.” (You can say it now and later.) Take her on a date to a cooking class. Watch the Create channel nightly for pointers. Buy her cookbooks and neat kitchen tools.

When she questions your intense interest, tell her you’re getting involved in her hobby.

Or you can just suck it up because you have a free cook, shithead.

Follow Christy: twitter.com/fantzypants

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