Christy Fantz

Dear Christy,

I have dated like 300 guys it seems and I can never find the right one. I always find something wrong with him because my standards are high, or he ends up dumping me. As I’m getting older, I’m getting nervous that I will never meet the right guy. Advice?

—No more fish in the sea


Oh, barracuda. 

Three hundred dudes vs. Fishy Ol’ You. I think the problem may be you, term of endearment.

When you’re a sprightly young and perky lassie, you can afford to throw the fish back in the water, grill them for dinner, or feed them to your pussy. (Cat.)

But now, since your jugs are scraping your thighs and your face looks like a shriveled-up pancake, you can’t bring the same Dude Checklist with you to the bars anymore (especially now that your pussy has multiplied into seven cats, Old Maid). The guys aren’t swimming after you in the caliber they once were.

And that’s OK. But, if your intentions are to land a soulmate, you must allow for imperfections. Faults abound us, Fishy Pants, so let go of your checklist. Find a guy who makes you laugh, who makes the conversation effortless and who fluffs your fancy.

(Que “Chariots of Fire.”) When casting your rod, be yourself. The one you grow old with will be much easier to finesse if he knows the true you from the start. Do not bait him into a facade.

A Korean airline commercial on MSNBC in the newsroom just told me that there are times in life when you should follow the wind. So go hop inside some guy’s dutch oven and enjoy the ride. Don’t focus on what he doesn’t have. Focus on his gigantic cock.

Or something like that.





I’m in a long-term relationship but I keep having these vivid sex dreams about a co-worker I have a crush on. Does this mean I should break up with my man?


—Wandering mind




Soiled satin:


It’s called a wet dream, you horn dog.

Despite relationships, there will always be crushes. Now what you do with this crush will then factor into what you do with your current slampiece.

But you’re only waking with wet panties as you shag him between snores, so you didn’t do anything wrong.

Maybe you are wandering due to a stale love life. Tell your man to knock you on your ass and spank some spice into that sex. You need to rejuvenate your loins and he can help.

Meanwhile, get your hand out of your pants at work. It’s getting awkward for everybody.

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