Christy Fantz

Dear Christy,

My New Year’s resolution is to be naked all the time. Inside, of course. My girlfriend isn’t on board, but aren’t we supposed to have new goals?

—Nude in 2014


Quite a lofty goal, fella. What happens when the pizza dude comes? Plus, it may get awkward when you have your pastor over for dinner.

Congratulations on your new goal. We all can’t be as ambitious as you. I’m resolving to not drink booze until April 26, but this whole fetus-inside-me thing is helping tremendously.

Not sure how to appease your girlfriend, maybe she gets tired of trying to locate your Lil’ Smokie amid your large mane of pubic hair. Try donning a strap-on and watch her frown flip around.

Just the tip: Carry around a towel with you so your furniture doesn’t unintentionally turn leopard print.

Dear Christy,

My man and I always fight when we get drunk, which is like twice a week. I’m nervous about New Year’s Eve that we’ll both get into a huge fight. Any tips on how to avoid a blowout?

—Scrappy Doo

Jersey Shore:

When we drunk fight, we look like Muppets high-fiving a million Jesuses. (Plus, we sound like Chewbacca snorted ephedra.)

It’s not pretty. So fold that in your George Costanza wallet and save it.

The drunk fight equals two jackasses elevating every minuscule detail into a raging screaming match, mainly just because. We’ve all done it.

First, I think that you need to figure out why you two fight all the time. Booze definitely fuels standing arguments, but what are your standing arguments and why do you have so many? Boozy fights bring out things that will be said that shouldn’t be said. Plus, solutions are rarely reached. Then we have puffy eyeballs from crying all night.

There are all sorts of drunks: happy, horny, sad, depressed, negative, angry, dancy and gassy. Since the two of you sound like angry drunks, maybe you need to give the drinking a hiatus.

If you aren’t going to take a booze break, then when you start drinking, you need to go to your happy place. Talk to your lover before the first sip and hash out anything that is bothering the two of you. If you can’t come to a conclusion and you still have friction, then a night of boozing will turn into a night of mental bruising. (Pun, pun, pun, pun, punnnnnnnnn.)

Talk to each other and make an honest pledge not to fight. If someone starts the fire, then the other should walk away.

Now ring in the new year with a happy bang. Hug those genitals and give the neighbors’ ears a break for once. Goddamn heathens.

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