Skip to content
Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

Dear Christy,

My girlfriend just rescued a burmese python from Florida without telling me. It’s one of those big ass snakes. It’s at her own place, but the thing freaks me out. Don’t you think she should have asked me first? I hope the thing doesn’t eat my cat.

—Snaked out


Thanks for your scientific explanation of the legless reptile, Mr. Biologist.

Your girlfriend probably needed a bigger snake to fill her life’s holes, uh, whole … life. Or something like that.

Instead of me punning out snake double entendres this entire column, I’m going to yell at you. Your girlfriend, whom I’ll assume is an adult, just got a pet snake for her own place because she wanted to. She didn’t ask your permission because she doesn’t need it.

I’ll assume you didn’t ask her permission to acquire your pet.

Many people have snake phobias, and I’m sorry you’re stuck between a flaccid worm and a badass snake. Learn about the beast and get to know him. He’ll probably grow on you.

Your girlfriend most likely knows what she’s doing, so the only thing you should concern yourself with is the snake’s rapid rate of growth, and whether or not it has an adequate habitat to reside.

Just the tip: Since the captive beasts can grow to up to 7 feet and sustain themselves on a diet of live mammals, maybe do keep your pussy at bay.

And your cat. That beast will swallow that poor kitty whole.


Dear Christy,

How much stock should I put into friends liking my girlfriend? We have a great time together, but people tell me she’s too snobby. Do I dump the girl I really like because of my friends?

—I might be in love

Strap on a sack:

Your own squishy little heart trumps the world’s judgement.

However, you have to take into account that your friends know you the best, so they will be brutally honest with you.

I’ve found through my “settling down” process that friends will be vocal, whether you like it or not — and your heart will be hurt by some of it. Much comes from your pals’ protective nature, but some of it comes from a jealous stance. (They’re losing you, they’re still single, etc.)

Sit down with your closest pal and have him/her explain to you why your new slampiece bothers them so. If you’re having a great time with your girl, then you may need to tell everyone to STFU. You’re falling in love.

Plus, “snob” is so trivial. At least she doesn’t beat you. Well, outside of the bedroom.

Follow Christy:

Join the Conversation

We invite you to use our commenting platform to engage in insightful conversations about issues in our community. We reserve the right at all times to remove any information or materials that are unlawful, threatening, abusive, libelous, defamatory, obscene, vulgar, pornographic, profane, indecent or otherwise objectionable to us, and to disclose any information necessary to satisfy the law, regulation, or government request. We might permanently block any user who abuses these conditions.