Christy Fantz

Dear Christy,

My girlfriend loaned me her Kindle while I was traveling. I backed out of the book I was reading to browse hers and discovered a bunch of erotica books, including one about Sasquatch! WTF, right? Is that what she wants? Is that super weird? Help!

—Not Bigfoot

No siree:

You kids are banging vampires, superheroes, mascots, men in diapers, Build-a-Bears and now Bigfoot?

It is a little odd, but some broads really cherish their erotica. It’s like the dudes and their porn. CRAZY.

The difference is, dudes watch various erotic clips, get the job done, and move on. Women read hundreds of pages of detailed boning because they crave the particulars. Broads yearn for the Sasquatch to caress them, gently lie them in the forest and stick their raging, furry… hands under their bras. Then they discuss yoga pants over mimosas.

I highly doubt that your lady is going to leave you for a creature in the forest, so you can rest easy there. (Maybe never introduce her to Geena Davis.)

Perhaps the allure to the creature is a big, strong, hairy man-thing who will throw her forcefully on a bed of cow shit, and then she can braid his back hair after a round of coitus. It’s simply an erotic fantasy, pal. Strange, yes, but we’re not judging your internet history, you dirty, dirty man.

If she wants a sasquatch, then give her one, big boy. Order that penis pump on the left-hand ad rail of your porn site. (He’s called “bigfoot” for a reason.) And don’t get distracted by the MILF with the huge ass.

And maybe quit shaving your legs, you pansy.

Dear Christy,

I have no idea what to get my girlfriend for Valentine’s Day. Have any ideas? I want to get her something kitschy or funny because regular gifts are a pain in the butt to find. Any comical ideas?

—Cupid starts early

Kiss Ass:

I feel like Siri. “Find sex shop, Siri.”

Fas-cin-ations is at 2-5-6-0 Twen-ty Eighth Street.

Thanks, Siri. “Of course.” You’re a whore, Siri. “Oh, they all say that.”

Anyway, I actually do have a primo Valentine’s gift idea: Build-A-Head. Much like those giant Tad Boyle face cutouts you Buffs bring to CU hoops games, if you head to and upload your image, you can put your face on a cutout, stick, T-shirt or keychain.

Because we’re so vain, this gift is great. So now when your lady’s riding her vibrating blow-up dude, she can glue your face on top. If she doesn’t have one (which, um, what is she, Amish?) then your gift just got epic. And now you know Fascination’s address. So, you’re welcome.

Extra credit: Put this here Fantz mug on a Build-A-Head and bring me with you everywhere. Aw. Let’s spoon.

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