• Judy DeHaas / The Denver Post

    Check out this dude. Find him and grab his ass.

  • Andy Cross / The Denver Post

    Practice for St. Patrick's Day this weekend in Denver with two pub crawls.



People who say St. Paddy’s Day is for amateurs are just jealous of our drunken ways. Plus, their moms are amateurs. (Yeah!)

What, you don’t like whiskey and beer? Pansies. Get back to your tweeting.

St. Patrick’s Day (March 17, a Monday this year) is a day when we can don obnoxious green rags, house beer like raging alcoholics and glug whiskey like a red-faced priest.

Although we put much effort into liver stretches the other 365 days of the year, this weekend is imperative for the poor, shriveled-up organ: It needs your help.

Luckily, two pub crawls in Denver on Saturday are here to help that liver get the workout it needs.

Also of note: The big ol’ Denver St. Pat’s parade is Saturday the 15th in Denver, so if you want to experience the drunkenness of St. Paddy’s without the hordes (or whores?) then do it early this weekend. Or both, my lovely lushes.

I’m super bummin’ cause my big ol’ eight-month baby gut can’t fit into my kilt this year. I’ll just let it soak in some stale booze and it’ll feel right at home until next year. (If Husband gets me pregnant again during any future St. Paddy’s, we will have a problem.)

Shamrock’d Pub Crawl

Starting Saturday at noon and running until 5 p.m, The Ginn Mill, 2041 Larimer St., Denver, is hosting the early crawl. For $39, participants get admission to the crawl, one drink (draft or well) at each bar, party beads, a Leprechaun hat, games at each stop of the crawl and participation in the costume contest.

Play Hard Productions is bringing you the crawl, and if you get the VIP ticket for $49, you get to pound all-you-can-drink green beer for an hour before the crawl at The Ginn Mill at 11 a.m.-noon. After the crawl, head back to the Ginn Mill for the afterparty and costume contest. If you can still see.

Participating pubs, all in Denver: The Celtic Tavern, 1801 Blake St.; The View House, 2015 Market St.; Scruffy Murphy’s, 2030 Larimer St.; Hayter’s & Co., 1920 Blake St.

Postscript: Someone tell Hayters I said they have the stupidest bar name ever. Ask them if Spencer Pratt named it. Good talk.

Info: 21 and up; playhardpros.com; $39-$49

St. Practice Pub Crawl Denver

Here’s another practice run for the big, green day, hosted by My Drink On. Check in for this crawl at Society, 1434 Blake St., Denver, from noon-2 p.m. and hop on the ride that will take you to Nallen’s Irish Pub, 1429 Market St.; Blake Street Vault, 1526 Blake St.; Jimmy’s Urban Bar and Grill, 1530 Blake St.; LaMark 15, 1324 15th St.; and Tilted Kilt, 1201 16th St., all in Denver.

Tickets to this crawl include drinks, specials and “shenannigans.” Take that as you will.

This crawl will also feature a photo hunt game for a pot o’ gold. Take photos of each of the below, tag @MyDrinkOn #DEN #StPatsPhotoHunt and get as many of these eight photos as you can: photo with someone with a beard; photo doing an Irish jig; group photo all wearing green; pinching someone not wearing green; photo of “Kiss Me I’m Irish” slogan; photo with a four-leaf clover/shamrock; photo with a leprechaun; and photo of group cheer with drink or shot.

Stand tall, Irish ones. We’ll shovel you off the pavement before Sunday brunch.

Info: 21 and up; stpracticedayden.com; $5-$20

Follow Christy: Twitter.com/FantzyPants