Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

Dear Christy,

I’m pretty sure I’ve dated every single guy in Boulder. Cyclists, tech guys, hippie living in a tepee — I’ve dated them all. I moved on to Denver dudes two years ago, to no avail. Where do I head next? Or, do I give up and spoon a trusty vibrator?

—Still Alone


Well shit, broad. Congrats for plowing through the whole state of Colorado. Grandma just sewed herself a new throw pillow, “My bloodline spawns bus-stop whores.”

The vibrator is always a reliable option, but you may have to hose him down with disinfectant and wrap him in a body pillow that’s stuffed with kittens if you want a nice, plush spoon.

Where do you find these gems? Donating plasma? I find it hard to believe that you humped through an entire metro area of every type of dude. If that really is the case, then maybe you need to — well, spray that thing for bugs — then look inside your own date soul and see what’s running rusty. Maybe your affinity for dudes really is just filling a lonely hole where girls should be. Any chance you’re forcing what doesn’t fit?

If all else fails, you have a whole body pillow filled with kittens, so you’re well on your way to that spinster life starting… meow.

Dear Christy,

When I met my boyfriend, he worked at Target for four years. Two years later, we’re engaged and he still works at Target. He doesn’t have a college degree, which is fine, but I pictured myself with someone with a career. Do I just suck it up?

—Status Pro

Dr. Delirious:

You’ve stood by your man and accepted his lifestyle for what it is. Being engaged doesn’t switch on the doctor/lawyer light. Misses and Misters don’t immediately start twiddling their face pubes while sipping on aged scotch, spitting out children and yarn bombing rhubarb gardens.

Marriage is an extension of the support that’s already in the bedroom. It’s not a time to mold the spouse into your fantasy childhood vision board. (Doogie Howser is gay now, so your scrapbook is outdated anyway.)

Your job is to support your man in whatever endeavor he tucks behind his ear, or thighs.

You can encourage him to reach for high goals, but if his desire is to remain in the retail industry, then bake him a goddamn Target anniversary cake and hush. That is his career path, the one he chose. Your judgement is merely patronizing. So yes, you suck it up.

If you hold his career choice against him, then you need to let him go now. He doesn’t deserve your lackluster support. He’s allowed to be proud of his life and deserves a partner who is on his team.

Plus, as his future wife, don’t you get 20 percent off at Target? Reason enough to wed right there, damn snot.

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