Evan Agostini / Associated Press
D. Dipasupil / Associated Press
Thibault Camus / Associated Press
Today is pissing me off.
First, it was my coffee bouncing off my car roof and watering my alley, then, it was… you don’t care. So let’s play Rip the Public Figure a New Asshole. (Because that’s what the public has been doing to me when I try to sneak a cigarette after quitting for near a year.)
Let the games begin — if I can see out of my right contact that I’ve already cleaned 11 times today. (You’re welcome in advance for being all rage-y.)
Let’s start with all the Brazilians crying after getting knocked out of the World Cup. He-sus, it’s like a sober Mel Gibson gave the country a Brazilian with tweezers. (You know. DTs…)
Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez are a new couple. There are pictures of them horseback riding through the Italian countryside. Then Zac took off his shirt, traipsed slo-mo through a lake and right onto the cover of a romance novel. It was so fast, yet so furious. And I still can’t believe it’s not butter. (Fabio. Crickets?)
Hey Jared Leto, when I see a picture of you and think you’re Madonna, it’s time to lay off the Emo Girl Parfum. Hey Madonna, when I see a picture of Jared Leto and think it’s you, it’s time to shave your face.
Rihanna has resorted to wearing nightgowns as outfits, a trending story on Yahoo right now. I believe the term for that is “I just got porked by a D-list rapper and I forgot a change of clothes.”
Justin Bieber is being charged for vandalism for (fill in the black jackassery). Soon after, America will be charging at him with a wooly mammoth tusk to the starfish until he goes wee, wee, wee, alllllll the way to home.
Jessica Simpson got married over the weekend and reportedly ate a vegan diet for two weeks leading up to the wedding. So that didn’t include any Chicken of the Sea because she can’t eat “chicken.” Nor beefsteak tomatoes because she can’t eat “steak.” (See “Newlyweds,” circa 2003.)
Miley Cyrus‘ boyfriend’s name is Mike WiLL Made It. He’s the producer of her Bangerz album. Someone strap him to the front of Bieber. We’ll tell you when you made it, Made It. (Don’t drink the whiskey in Canada.)
Pamela Anderson just got divorced for the fifth (ish?) time. So if any trailer park convicts can drive Kid Rock 400 yards with their sex stick, she’s wants you to AIM her.
Jennifer Aniston‘s man Justin Theroux doesn’t like it when people wear sandals. Sandals “really bum me out,” he told Interview magazine. But he’s OK with Jen wearing her uterus outside her skirt, I guess.
Someone wants Kanye West to get raped at Rikers and it’s not me. That one broad from “Clueless,” Stacey Dash, said on a Fox News show, “go to Rikers for a little while and then he’ll know what rape is,” in regards to him comparing fame and the paparazzi to war and rape. I have far too little room to comment on this.
Omfg this goddamn contact.
I’m going to smoke.
Oh shut up.
Contact Christy Fantz at 303-473-1107 or firstname.lastname@example.org