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FRITZ: Washed the spider out
Jeanine Fritz
FRITZ: Washed the spider out

To Whom It May Concern,

I regret to inform you your son/father/brother passed away earlier this morning. Time of death: 9:16 a.m.

Perhaps I’m being presumptuous, but I can only assume he was a Sir and not a Madam. I don’t envision many grown women finding it appropriate to surprise a naked person in the shower.

I suppose I should be thankful he didn’t also douse me in ice water — something my college boyfriend and I often did upon discovering the other mid-lather. But we were young and in love. Not spiders.

Regardless of the dearly departed’s gender, let it be known I did not appreciate the intrusion into my morning ministrations. I tend to be grumpy the first few hours of the day and need silence, and although he was plenty quiet when I discovered him between the shampoo and the conditioner, I was quite loud.

I understand you might be fairly upset right now, and I want to assure you mercy did cross my mind several times. “He might not be one of those aggressive jumping spiders that eat people’s faces off,” I remember thinking to myself. “Perhaps I should let this infraction go and focus on not cutting my ankle again while shaving.”

I made a Herculean, if futile, effort on both counts.

Unfortunately, as I was leaning towards forgiving him his trespasses, he quickly shifted towards the conditioner just as I reached for it. This aggression would not stand. In the calmest voice I could muster I said, “You are not supposed to be here.” He responded by beginning an ascent of the shower tiles. “I hope you’re enjoying the view, you pervert!” I shouted at him. “You need to be out of here before I get home tonight or your time on this earth is gonna be shorter than that web you just started.”

In a huff, I turned my back to grab the loofah and when I whipped around for the soap, he was gone. Presumably the water from the shower had made his climb too difficult or maybe my insult had put him on tilt, for now he was back by the shampoo and conditioner working on a much bigger web, waving his ass around in a most unseemly fashion.

I regret to say this is when I lost my temper, turned the water on him, and washed his crumpled body down the drain.

I understand this might be difficult to hear, but I felt the least I could do was let you know what happened so you don’t wait up or spend additional time searching.

For your own safety, I do not recommend visiting his grave; please hold your memorial offsite.


Jeanine Fritz