Jeanine Fritz
FRITZ: Spider terms of employment

Dear Fred,

Congratulations! Everyone agrees you’re a great fit to make the lady at 5450 Western Avenue pee her pants in fear. Speaking of which, your predecessor was flushed down a toilet a couple of weeks ago. We’ve sent in several temps but none of them have worked out. Or lived.

We need a spider of your caliber to start ASAP, after you’ve passed your drug test. I’ve attached the contract you need to sign and bring with you Monday. HR is located in the downstairs bathroom under the sink. Good luck!



PREAMBLE. This Agreement is entered into this 15th day of September, 2014, between FRED THE HOBO SPIDER and the Boulder Association of Spiders That Are Really Dreadful, hereinafter referred to as “BASTARD” and shall be binding upon the parties hereto.


RECOGNITION. Case No. 5-RJ-15022 dated July 28, 2000, recognizes the BASTARD as the sole and exclusive bargaining agent of all full-time and part-time spiders employed at various locations throughout Jeanine Fritz’s house. BASTARD will not send FRED THE HOBO SPIDER to any neighbor houses without first providing notice, and an opportunity to meet and discuss any proposed alternatives FRED THE HOBO SPIDER would like considered.


MANAGEMENT RIGHTS. The BASTARD reserves and retains the right to direct FRED THE HOBO SPIDER while in the house. This includes, but is not limited to, the right:

• to determine the location or relocation of webs

• to transfer FRED THE HOBO SPIDER from the garage into the bathroom, or from the woodpile out back to the coat closet without notice

• to determine when work is to be done from inside the car while the occupant is half asleep and driving to work

• to request assistance from bees, wasps, gnats, fruitflies, et al in the kitchen

• to determine the number of times the naked woman in the shower can be terrorized

I acknowledge I have received a copy of this Agreement, understand all articles within, agree to abide by all provisions, and acknowledge that violations will result in sanctions and penalties. I understand the BASTARD will not authorize any strike or stoppage of work, regardless of any screaming, pleading, threats and attempts upon my life I encounter during my shift. I indemnify the BASTARD against any liability that may arise from actions taken with a shoe, newspaper, or full plate of food.


Spider Signature



blog comments powered by Disqus