Jeanine Fritz
Jeanine Fritz

As you learned in the first three installments of “Proper Care and Maintenance of Your Singlefriend,” the first eight weeks after you adopt, purchase, or find a new singlefriend are a crucial time when you, as a caregiver, guardian, or drinking buddy, must be ever vigilant to ensure your singlefriend remains in tip-top condition. Below you will find general guidelines that you may find helpful. If you have access to a laminator, now would be a good time to bust that shit out.

We’ve already explored identifying singlefriends, prepping your home to take one in, and a cursory guide to communication. (“The Curse-ory Guide” will be covered in a later chapter.)

Many of you have been asking, “How should I dress my singlefriend?” I’ve even had a few folks write in asking about elf costumes with candy-cane leggings.

But before we get into adorning your singlefriend in outfits appropriate for weekend hikes, parades and footraces, book-club gatherings, holidays and outings to your judgey family’s villa, we must pause a moment to assess how your singlefriend is adjusting.

Many shed their self-pity, loneliness and indifference towards companionship after the first eight weeks, and go on to become happy, full-grown adults who share food with cats and/or dogs while binge watching “Murder, She Wrote.” I’ve personally seen a singlefriend feed two ferrets Cheetos straight from the bag while playing several hours of Madden, so take heart — you may have a champion on your hands!

Ask yourself some questions about how your singlefriend is currently managing the following:

•Self-grooming: Is he/she washing the five key areas daily?

•Propensity to drool from the eyes and nose: Does this happen infrequently? Or is breathing and consciousness enough to set him/her off? Watch out for those wet spots!

•Friendliness towards strangers: Does she/he smile and greet the person? Or instead back away cautiously, while waving broken beer bottles and/or flaming newspapers at the stranger?

•Exercising: Will he/she get up from the couch to open the door for the delivery person?

•Ease of training: Can you get your singlefriend to obey simple commands such as, “Answer the damn phone,” “For the love of God, put on some pants,” or “Get the cream cheese out of your hair”?

If you’ve deduced your singlefriend is doing fairly well, then we can move on. You wanted to know if it’s too early to, say, put your singlefriend in an elf costume with candy-cane leggings and the answer is “Yes, yes, a thousand times yes.” It’s November 3rd. Your singlefriend should be wearing an Uncle Sam outfit and voting. Seriously, pull your head out.

Further Reading

The “You and Your Singlefriend” series is available for free, here in the Colorado Daily on Mondays, or for twelve installments of $99, personalized instructions tailored to your specific singlefriend are available.