As you learned in the first five installments of my eight-part series, “Proper Care and Maintenance of Your Singlefriend,” the first eight weeks after you adopt, purchase, or find a new singlefriend are an important time, a time when encouragement, positive thinking and beer play a crucial role in your singlefriend’s future.
I know what you’re thinking right now. You’re thinking, “I get the beer, but what’s the deal with the encouragement and positive thinking, Fritz?” Well, I’ll tell you. There are two reasons to be a bastion of love and acceptance right now: 1.) your singlefriend possesses powers — some might even call them “super” — that you want used for good, not ill and 2.) not being a dick has its own rewards. (Come on, you already knew that.)
Now let’s get down to brass tacks.
There are many wonderful things about singlefriends, but one of the best-kept secrets is Societal Pressure Backfire. This is not a case of nervous gas, but rather a simple emotional equation — which I cannot express mathematically, but hope one of you can and then send it to me so we can get T-shirts made up.
Basically, your singlefriend is being crushed by cultural forces: the pressure to be in a couple, to have a dance partner at bar mitzvahs, to not jack up the seating arrangements at dinner parties where blackened encrusted something-or-others are the main course.
This pressure increases as your singlefriend gets older and society begins to act as if there’s something wrong with them. This is where you come in, Gentle Readers. You sit that singlefriend down, and talk about his or her secret superpowers and suddenly — instead of collapsing into a mousy, defeated heap — your singlefriend’s general badassedness explodes out of them.
See, when society expects less of you, you can either presume they’re on to something, or you can use that to your advantage.
To wit: baby showers. Baby showers are increasingly gender neutral, which means they’re filled with couples, and those couples are in hell.
“Why won’t Charlotte even discuss having a baby?” “Why can’t Chaz see how important my job is to me?” “Why won’t Annette’s mother stop asking everyone when they’re going to have a baby?”
Meanwhile, your singlefriend can cruise into the party an hour late with an oversized box of unwrapped buttwipes in one hand and a large glass of Chardonnay in the other, feign disappointment that they missed all the bullshit baby games and cut out early to go watch “Rosewater” at the movies. Tell them this: It is a superpower.
Other freedoms singlefriends possess because nobody is watching include:
•the freedom to wear ponchos, moon boots, and Heidi braids, sometimes all at once
•the freedom to eat three helpings of gyoza on the couch while binge-watching “Transparent”
•the freedom to not give one single crap what anybody else thinks about how they’re conducting their lives
Yes, being unpartnered can be lonely, and some singlefriends choose to focus on that, rather than exploring the uncharted territory around them with curiosity and gusto — but remind them: guiding oneself unfettered through life can be incredibly powerful.
The “You and Your Singlefriend” series is available for free, here in the Colorado Daily on Mondays, or for 12 installments of $99, personalized instructions tailored to your specific singlefriend are available.