As you learned in the first six installments of my eight-part series, “Proper Care and Maintenance of Your Singlefriend,” the first eight weeks after you adopt, purchase, or find a new singlefriend can be filled with many emotions. If you are not vigilant in observing your singlefriend’s changing mood, he or she can easily fall down the rabbit hole of depression.
Should you notice changes in your singlefriend’s mood, encourage them to make some positive changes. Regular exercise, a diet rich in fruits and veggies, and an uptick in daily water intake are all excellent starts, but feel free to take things further. Remember: “too far” is sometimes “just right.”
Have them write themselves notes of encouragement and drop them off in places where they might be needed. For example, if your singlefriend has recently started drinking more, have them write a note saying, “Dear Jeanine, If you want a shot of whiskey, don’t. Have tea instead, you maniac. And I don’t mean the Long Island kind. Love, Your Liver,” and leave that with every bartender in town. The next time they ask for a whiskey, the bartender can hand them the note. Your singlefriend will probably still have that shot of Evan Williams, but now they’ll have something to read at the bar.
Let’s say your singlefriend is prone to pouting first thing in the morning, because that’s when they wake up and remember that Leslie left them for a circus performer. Battle that early-morning slump by placing a world map shower curtain facing inside the shower. While they wash the five key areas, they can be distracted with geography. Do not let them have a marker, lest they become tempted to map Leslie’s and that bastard bearded lady’s progress through Europe.
If your singlefriend is convinced everyone but them is in a relationship and that relationships are a non-stop comedy cavalcade filled with sex and poetry, tell them the story of Lala. Lala and her Kiwi husband love each other, and they regularly cook together, take vacations all over the world and probably spend lots of time staring into one another’s eyes. But one day while Lala was unpacking her winter clothes, the Kiwi came in to the room to say hi and hugged her. And then he farted. “I can’t help it that you make me so relaxed,” was his excuse, but that didn’t stop Lala from gagging from the smell and throwing up shortly after. Tell your singlefriend that puking is a regular part of being in a relationship and watch their interest in being coupled up disappear as fast as that whiskey shot they shouldn’t be having.
The “You and Your Singlefriend” series is available for free, here in the Colorado Daily on Mondays, or for twelve installments of $99, personalized instructions tailored to your specific singlefriend are available.