Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

Dear Doctor Fantz,

I’m considering scrapping my Mexican boner pills and switching to something like Viagra. My question is, If I find myself with one of these mythical four-hour erections, should I call my doctor, or should I head down to the senior center and perform some sort of public service?

— Concerned (Senior) Citizen

Señor Senior:

Thanks for the honorary doctorate. Slap a prescription pad on me and we’re in business.

As for your problem: my common sense and (most likely) the FDA recommend you scrap the south-of-the-border pills and replace them with something Betty White-tested, Ted Danson-approved.

Rumor has it that erectile dysfunction pills can, indeed, incur an hours-long pants bulge. Alas, I’ve never cut Viagra with my crazy pills, so your side effects are TBD.

Please don’t report back.

If you’re going to bypass a doctor’s advice, then I say you take that three-legged parade to the senior center streets. Why not?

Strap on a matador costume and provoke, invoke and poke that silver-tipped audience with your red cape and muleta.

The next few steps are up to you (or fate). You can: Hide in a closet and rub some dirt on the problem while thinking about baseball; engage in coitus with a willing and white-haired maiden; or pitch a tent in the back of Boulder’s finest paddy wagon and hope the jail cells are empty.

Although public services are oft heartwarming, this particular one probably shouldn’t leave the confines of your own home.

If the pills have a four-hour adverse effect on your pants parts, then park it in front of some smut on the couch and ride that beast out.

¡Olé!

Dear Ms. Fantz,

I have a big crush on a really smart girl who is always out with a large group of friends. How do I ask her out if she’s always surrounded by people?

—A Bartender

Bashful Bar Buddy:

Bartender: my favorite flavor of person. (Also, it’s Mrs. if you’re nasty. You wish I wasn’t married.)

Pleasantries aside, this seems like quite the simple task. Send her a drink.

Keep doing this while she frequents your establishment. This is likely to stage a conversation. (If it doesn’t, then abort mission. They who don’t respond to charity, don’t deserve a dashing lad like yourself.)

When she does approach, tell her you bought some Mexican boner pills from some old dude in Boulder and maybe she’d be interested in helping you try them out?

I jest. Don’t do that.

Just engage her in light conversation and open the window for more so you can get to know her. Then, when you strap on a four-hour redwood — um, some cajones — ask her out on a date.

It’s a rare occasion when someone isn’t flattered with a date invitation, so you probably can’t go wrong there. Plus, her sea of pals is a good sign, she’s a well-liked gal. And, she frequents your bar.

Green light, homie.

Quicky, that dude who just face-planted in his own urine is making eyes at her.

Christy Fantz: 303-473-1107, fantz@coloradodaily.com or twitter.com/fantzypants