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Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

Dear Christy,

Every time I go home for break, my high school buddy and I hook up. Now he has a new girlfriend and she’s coming home with him to meet his family. He emailed me and told me there can be no sex between the two of us. Where is a girl supposed to get a piece of New Year’s ass on such late notice? I thought my vacation was going to be filled with dirty romps. This sucks.

—Horny Grinch

Village bicycle:

A friend-with-benefits situation usually ends up kicking someone hard in the crotch. And although enticing to masochists, this behavior doesn’t fare well for pelvic bones and such.

Since your pal is off limits this ride around (props on abiding), here are four suggestions of where you can get your horny kicks around town. I’ll even tell you what to pack in your overnight bag and what to scream.

Now let’s get those active kegels of yours some vacation reps in. Break!

Glory hole

What: A hole in the wall with an anonymous participant on the giving end. It’s there to make you rise… and shine and…

What to scream: Glory! Glory!

Where: A skeevy porn joint. See: Arcade. (I think. What am I, Paul Reubens?)

Pack them bags: Lysol wipes.

Warning: It could be Grandpa on the other side. Only Jesus and payroll knows.

Spa

What: Like a bathhouse. Think John Travolta.

What to scream: I’m here for the gangbang.

Pack your bags: Shower shoes and anti-fungal spray.

Warning: Maybe use the back door. That’s what (s)he said.

East Colfax

What: Hookers and blow.

What to scream: Have vodka, will ride.

Pack your bags: A lady sponge/condom and an antibacterial firehose.

Warning: Watch out for used syringes in sex hair.

LoDo

What: Nightclubs after dark.

What to scream: Stuff me like a holiday turkey.

Pack your bags: A slutfit, exaggerated cleavage, Molly and Peeps for cottonmouth.

Warning: Since dark is 4 p.m. now, your window — like your legs — is wide open.

Please see Google or Craigslist to fill in any above blanks.

And… If you run into your former bang buddy with his new girl around town, don’t get jealous. He’s not yours. If/when he breaks up with her, then you can slide in. After you’ve been sprayed for bugs.

Happy bang-cation.

Dear Christy,

My boyfriend is getting his mom lingerie for Christmas. That’s weird, right?

—Creeped out

That’s weird.

Maybe he really moonlights as a drag queen.

Here’s how you solve this problem: Tell him you want a matching set for Christmas. Then when he sexes you up, he’ll have sobering and mood-killing images of his mom.

Hopefully.

If not, then momma’s boy may need a priest, a therapist and a big bottle of booze to power through some problems.

Good luck.

Christy Fantz: 303-473-1107, fantz@coloradodaily.com or twitter.com/fantzypants