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    Jeanine Fritz

  • *instrumental* Tequila!

    The Denver Post

    *instrumental* Tequila!

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‘Exercise is strongly discouraged,” the letter from Coach Craig began. “The way to win a weight bet is to eat less, period.”

Dubious, wrong-headed advice was coming my way because my good friend, Rebecca, had recently suggested several of us join together in shedding the holiday pudge: “I’m guessing like everyone, you’re tossing around the idea of getting healthier,” she’d said.

My first thought: she’s not as good a friend as I thought, and doesn’t know me at all. I was absolutely not tossing that idea around; I was tossing around the idea of binge-watching “Review with Myles Barlow” and eating enough fried rice to fill a trash bag. (One of those lawn-and-leaf ones; not the candypants-sized kitchen trash bags.)

But there was money involved, as well as the prospect of my now-slightly less-dear friend on her knees, shaking her fist at the sky, shouting, “WHY, GOD, WHY?!” as I pranced around her in a circle, not making it rain with my winnings. So I joined.

And then I began plotting. Crushing the competition would require research, bulking up the day before the bet, and pulling together a top-notch team of coaches. Clearly, my coaches needed to be comprised of other, far more competitive bastards than myself — so I called the Prairie Dog Softball Club, which holds a weight bet a few times a year. My first call was to the eight-time, undefeated champion, Coach Craig. Hence the letter.

“This is wrong, and I’m not sure you want to do this to Rebecca,” he said. “But if you want to win, drink a gallon of water right before the initial weigh-in. It’s a dick move. But it works. Do not pee beforehand. Then, eat a ton of breakfast. Four bowls of cereal and a package of bacon should do it. But absolutely do not exercise. Exercising just makes you hungrier.”

From Coach Ross: “Stop eating, full stop. And exercise. Run every day. If you get hungry, have one of those smoothies, those juice smoothies. No weightlifting. Bread and potatoes are the devil. But the real secret, Fritz, is to go to bed early. Like at 8. There’s no good that can happen after 8 at night.”

Coaches at work suggested I half my body weight and drink that many ounces of water a day. Coaches at the bar suggested I skip beer and only have vodka or tequila.

I couldn’t be more lost at this point. If I add up all the advice, I should drink a ton of water and hard liquor, never eat anything except for breakfast — when I eat everything in sight — and never exercise, unless I’m running.

I think I’m screwed.

Jeanine Fritz’s “I’m Not There” runs every Wednesday in the Colorado Daily.