Carly Morrison / Colorado Daily
Jeremy Papasso / Colorado Daily
Greg Lindstrom / Colorado Daily
Hey, it’s me.
I didn’t call to pry, but just figured I’d ask — have you picked a major yet?
I mean, I know this is your life and your path to pave, but your mother and I have been talking, and it’s just a bit unsettling that we’re sitting here, in the modest Minneapolis townhome in which we raised you, trying to plan for the future, and we’ve got this beautiful kid with so, so much potential, at such a fantastic university, who can’t even pinpoint their favorite subject in school.
OK, listen. Stop being defensive and shut up for a second. I’m not mad. Relax. RELAX. Shut the hell up for five seconds and listen, will ya?
My associate, Alex, is sitting here next to me. I met the guy a few months back at an arms deal, and lately he’s been walking our family dog, Mittens, on weekdays. We also make dinner together on occasion.
Alex is an incredibly warm, and almost impossibly handsome, friend of mine, and he knows quite a bit about choosing a major at CU. He himself had to pick a major a few years ago, and he now works as a print journalist in Boulder. He enjoys fabulous wealth and celebrity, as a result. Hear the guy out, please. Please. OK? I love you. Here’s Alex.
Hey, buddy. I know we’ve never met, but your dad and I have been hanging out a lot lately, and, I gotta say, I can’t remember the last time I felt this good! He’s so funny and talented and has the best eyes and he always knows about the coolest bars and he’s just been such a positive force in my life.
Uhhh…no. I mean, we’ve kissed, on a dare, once. But it was nothing, really. Unless he’s said something to you about me? Has he?
I mean, it’s not like I wouldn’t be open to it, but your mother is such a doll. I so respect what they’ve built.
Come again? You don’t see what this has to do with your major?
You’re right. That was wrong of me, and I’ll be the first one to admit it. Can I make it up to you in advice?
Great. You’ve come to the right place, kid. I mean, what better place to start than with someone who majored, and secured a job, in the lucrative field of print journalism? We J-school grads know a thing or two about financial and career stability in the digital age.
So, here’s the deal: CU will let you mess around sans major until you’re a junior. You don’t have to wait that long, though. If you know, you know, and if you’re one of these knowers who’s long known what they were going to study, I suppose should probably hang up the phone.
Whether you know or not, let’s get the most practical bit of wisdom out of the way: If you want job security and/or a lot of money, study computer science or go pre-med, or something like that. Alternatively, you could drop out of school altogether and record that neo-soul EP you and friends have been toying around with since May.
Anyway, I don’t really care what you do. Just be happy, man. And don’t wait until the last minute to figure out where you’re gonna use all that tuition money. Just pick something and stick to it. That’s something your father has taught me a lot about these past few weeks. We picked each other, and I hope we never look back.
Good luck to you, young sprout! Oh, and don’t tell your mom, OK?
Alex Burness: twitter.com/alex_burness