Christy Fantz likes to get all up in our pants. And bras.
When she’s not answering relationship questions for the lovelorn in Boulder for the Colorado Daily’s “Fantz in Your Pants” column (that she’s been writing for a hundred years now), she’s putting the paper together as the newspaper’s editor.
But, here, we’ll let her talk.
Tell your fans something juicy they don’t already know about you.
I’m naturally strawberry blonde. I dye this mop black.
I like to pee in alleys.
I earned best dressed in high school — a Catholic school with uniforms. I rocked that shit hard.
There’s three for you.
What blows your skirt up?
The wind, on occasion; someone else, on occasion; and dirty old me, on most occasions.
I have a great ass tattoo, I feel like it’s my duty.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. How’s your glass doing?
Usually not spicy enough. Less soda, more whiskey, barkeep.
How has getting married and squeezing out a baby affected your sexytime column?
I wouldn’t call it squeezing, Bob. It was 63.5 hours of is-the-Hulk-fisting-me type of labor fun.
Aw, I had a baby. I guess the fam makes my advice more motherly?
Wherefore art thou, Juliette? Seriously, make a noise, little girl, you in the dog food?
Hey, look, there’s my wine.
What do you love about punching the clock at the Colorado Daily every day?
Putting creativity into this pretty newspaper here is quite an entertaining job. By the power of Grayskull, I have the power.
Making people smile, chuckle, or roll their eyes in disgust is a pretty great superpower.
I also love the newsroom. We’re a bunch of fun jackasses, and I do believe there’s really no work experience like it.
However, in the end, it’s the readers I love. But only if they love me. (Some don’t. Hate mail is fun.)
If you do love me, let’s get a room so I can smother you in salsa and spoon you fools.
What’s the worst question you’ve received from a fan of “Fantz in Your Pants?”
The furries ones are always good. The glory hole questions, the … OH, I know — a group of CU dudes made up a sex-sauce mixture and named it. It was neat. Very Dan Savage.
What’s your life mantra? You can only use a ridiculous movie quote.
“I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull’s ass, but I’d rather take a butcher’s word for it,” Chris Farley, “Tommy Boy.”
What advice would you give an introverted CU student looking for some tail?
Slap a couple of drinks on that shy, a bar or three on that quiet and then a jimmy on that Jimmy. Then spray that shit for bugs.
Sin, rinse, repeat.
Just be safe, be good and be lubed. A dry hump is never fun.
You rock Chuck Taylors, knee highs and short skirts daily. Do you even own pants? What gives?
I do, but they’re jammies. You sound like Husband. He’s never seen me in pants (that’s what it says in the men’s room).
I’m too tall to find pants that go past my cankle. Plus, my feet are too big to wear heels. They don’t make cute shoes size circus freak, hence, the Chucks.
Gators. I realize this isn’t a question, but I expect a response.
I’m a University of Florida alum. Although I do love the Buffs, they run in my family. Plus, I married into Michigan, so Go Blue.
But mostly, yes, Gators. Best question ever.
Christy Fantz’s “Fantz in Your Pants” runs every Tuesday on Colorado Daily’s Page 3.