Fantz column: Bangin’ in the basement

Dear Christy,

I’m currently crashing in my parent’s basement, so it’s pretty hard for me to get some tail. Any suggestions on how I can keep this machine well-oiled without mom and dad thinking I’m filming a porno down there?

—Pimpin’ at the ‘rents

Romeo:

Homie, I don’t think we’re saying “rents” anymore.

Pimpin’ and tail are also a little stale. Plus, the preferred nomenclature is “porn,” sans the “o.”

Now that I’ve word-spanked you, bend over so I can put a print on your ass.

You can’t have sex in your parents’ basement, silly. Isn’t it filled with pictures of Grandma and Grandpa at Niagra Falls, religious paraphernalia and mouse traps?

That means while you’re plowing your princess, the grandparents are judging you via 8×10 and the crucifixes are running away from the sex smell, meanwhile getting snapped up in mouse traps.

Dire straights, man.

How long is the crashing situation? If it’s more than six months, then you’re living there. If it’s less than that, you may have to pull up some bar toilet and get randy on the urinal. (Or: Behind an alley Dumpster, in the bed of your El Camino, on a friend’s couch, under the bridge downtown, etc.)

Well-oil your own machine in the basement. Respect the Abode de Mom and Dad while your temporary situation remains under their roof. They’re helping you out, don’t gross them out.

Dear Fantz,

I started dating this guy who is the hairiest beast I’ve ever encountered. I don’t really mind it, he’s super cool and I want to continue seeing him, but would it be rude of me to suggest some waxing or shaving?

—Silky smooth

Hair Bear:

Would you be offended if someone asked you to alter something on your body?

Probably.

Then leave the man alone. You said you don’t mind it, so stop minding it.

At this juncture in our years, if he wanted to shave the Sasquatch off his back, he would have already. And if you wanted to date a hairless lap dog, you would.

Plus, have you ever waxed your chest?

Some people are just hairier than others, some are taller than others, some have foul smells emitting from their orifices and some have smoother taints than others. This is what makes us all unique.

If you really want to be a dick about it, give it time. Wait until you know him fairly well, then preface the suggestion by telling him that it doesn’t bother you, but… does he mind if you wax the Old English Sheepdog off his chest?

Then after unleashes his entire childhood feelings with tears into a bag of chocolate ice cream whiskey porn, maybe he’ll shave everything off and knit you a sweater.

I hope he does.

And I hope you’re allergic to it.

Christy Fantz: 303-473-1107, fantz@coloradodaily.com or twitter.com/fantzypants