Alex Sieh
A Boulder Valentine’s Day

I’m sorry, folks. If you’re steadfastly avoiding all things VD — either with proper latex protection or no social media, for fear of seeing another couple vow they “hearts u forevs *muah*” after two months of dating — this column isn’t for you.

Nearly everything in Boulder is “meant for two” this weekend. Seems, should you step outside alone, couples will point and laugh and ship you off to a lone mountaintop to look down on their nauseating “I love you mores.”

Rude.

Not that you should give any fucks about relationships. Let us remember the blessings of singleness. Like no shaving, or excessive showering. No spending money on tiny portions paired with wine you’re not all that keen on. With proper battery power or lubrication, even a Big O or two aren’t out of our reach.

Going on one year of single-tude, I’m hardly counting down the minutes to Saturday. The only emoticon with hearts for eyes I’m typing is about the triple- layer cake I’ll be chomping into while marathoning “Lord of the Rings.”

But hey, I’ve got a little something for everyone this weekend.

Wanna get frisky?

This Friday and Saturday, The Dairy Center for the Arts (2590 Walnut St.) is hosting Boulder Burlesque at 8:30 p.m., which will “take you on a journey into the exploration of love.” That’s nice. What beats love and lingerie? Plus, the proceeds from the show will all go to Out Boulder and Transgender awareness. (Cynical as I am, that’s a kick-ass way to donate.)

Stick around for an educational panel after the performance with performers and Boulder Out members. Info: boulderburlesque.com or thedairy.org; $14-$20.

Single and clinging to optimism?

The other day, I was told I was like Papa Bear’s porridge: too hot. … Yep. #SingleLife

Sick of living Tinder nightmares? Try spending Friday at Shine (2027 13th St.), meeting other singles for Ready-Match, “Boulder’s hottest new matchmaking service.”

Play The Dating Game, (which I read is far-less sleezy than the dating game called life), where you compete for hearts and date packages. And after the games, you’ll hear from Laura Menze, a matchmaker with advice on whether you’re ready for love anyway.

Forever alone?

Conor O’Neill’s Irish Pub (1922 13th St.) has you covered. Head over Saturday at 10 p.m. for the pub’s annual Anti-Valentine’s Day Party, with live music from The Goonies. Nothing beats jamming out to ’80s music with fellow lonely lovelies.

Or hey, your Program Council is showing “The Theory of Everything” at CHEM 140 Friday at 9 p.m. A free film about folks who have actual problems.

I Love My Lova … And Beer

So do our pals at West Flanders Brewing Company (1125 Pearl St.) This Saturday, hop on the Beertooth bus at 1 p.m. and head out for a beer-tasting tour of Upslope, West Flanders and Fate breweries until 5 p.m. You can book a seat at www.beertooth.com. The bus will be leaving from and dropping you off at the parking lot at Spruce and Broadway.

Those same folks will also be hosting their own V-Day dinner — four courses for $40 with beer or wine pairings for an additional $15. Check out the grub line-up at wfbrews.com.

You can also snag a sweet deal at Boulder Beer (2880 Wilderness Pl.) this Saturday. Pick up a Shake Nitro with a chocolate-covered strawberry. Way better than a mystery box of cavity-causers.

Or over at Upslope Brewing (1501 Lee Hill Rd., No. 20), the servers there will have Nothing Bundt Cake samples to be paired with their delish brewskies. They’ll also tap a special firkin — Rye Saison, with hibiscus and rose hips. Mmmm.

Yes a bunch of other places have their fancy built-for-two meals. Check out Fate Brewing for a $32-a-person menu, or The West End Tavern’s own Beer Lover’s Dinner hosted by The Reverend Bubba Love at Left Hand Brewing Co. (Find the deets are online.)

Alexandra Sieh: bouldernightlife@coloradodaily.com, twitter.com/ansieh.

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