I’m going to show off my new boobs like crazy for Fat Tuesday! I just got them done, from a small A, to a full C-cup and they look great. I got them just in time to collect beads, I’m so excited. But, do you know if I can get in trouble for flashing my new pair around Colorado?
—Worried about the law
We all pitched in and got you a king cake for your special occasion. Just be sure to eat the sweet treat with your nouveaux pair under wraps so you don’t terrify the little baby Jesus when he’s unveiled from his yeast injection.
Right. I would tell you what the fug I’m talking about, but it I have to go research indecent exposure laws for Juggy Pants here.
Colorado statute 18-7-301: Public indecency
(1) Any person who performs any of the following in a public place or where the conduct may reasonably be expected to be viewed by members of the public commits public indecency
(a) An act of sexual intercourse; or
(b) An act of deviate sexual intercourse; or
(c) A lewd exposure of the body done with intent to arouse or to satisfy the sexual desire of any person; or
(d) A lewd fondling or caress of the body of another person.
Colorado statute 18-7-302: Indecent exposure
(1) A person commits indecent exposure if he knowingly exposes his genitals to the view of any person under circumstances in which such conduct is likely to cause affront or alarm to the other person.
Apparently a conviction for Indecent Exposure carries a potential 18 month jail sentence and obligates the person to register as a sex offender.
I know there are grey areas. And I don’t have time to research that horseshit. Get your local city council member on the horn. I have a box of wine to drain.
So, I would say you should err on the side of caution with your flashing charade. Plus, the cops are usually out in force on any kind of holiday. And since Fat Tuesday is the Hurricane-swigging, bourbon-imbibing kind — the day before we have to go 40 days and 40 nights with nothing delicious — the authorities will probably be out in much force.
So unless you want to go door-to-door explaining to soccer moms that you’re a sex offender, then if you must flash your set, you may want to keep it in the bar shitter.
You’ll have the bitches forever. Save them for someone special. Like Nitro Club or the Bustop. They’re always looking for a fresh set of jugs.
I’ll leave you with this digression: Traditional Lenten/Mardi Gras/Carnival festivities often include a king cake. This yeasty treat comes quipped with a small plastic baby cooked inside, who is said to represent the King of Kings. The fool who gets the piece with the baby inside gets special graces. Or a trophy. Or a weird melty figurine.
You’re a yeasty treat.