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Christy,

My boyfriend shouts out some really loud and disgusting stuff when we’re having sex. I won’t even repeat it here. It’s really gross. But, I share a house with six other people and even though I’m in a basement room, I’m afraid they can hear. Any suggestions?

—Blushing at breakfast

Cork the bastard:

Welcome to college, where cheap beer flows like foot fungi, flavored vodka destroys club soda and sex sounds like a petting zoo.

I remember my first beer.

(Does he dirty talk about his toe cheese?)

Have you ever drowned out sex noises? A village bicycle roommate of mine chirped like a bird when she was plugged. Plus, her bed frame was due for a solid WD-40 soak.

Sometimes even Pantera can’t help.

If you haven’t been on the dry end of a roommate hump, then at least have some courtesy for those who are. I can imagine the buzzkill when roommate’s Skype sesh with Granny is drowned out by what sounds like a pack of Sopranos butchering Teddy Ruxpin in the basement.

Tell your man to cork it, he’s a guest in your house. Smother that fool with a (breathable) pillow. Shove a sock in his mouth. A ball gag.

Maybe some auto-erotic asphyxiation? (Danger! Leave room for the Holy Spirit.)

Just be sure to make it a point to ask your roommates if it’s bothersome. They may not even care or they may not even hear it. But now you feel all fuzzy inside. Shhh. Don’t tell us why.

In the 303

Ah Colorado. Where icicles boast wingspans of wandering albatross, where ladies wade in snow-trenched bar lines in hotpants and where we watch massive blizzards melt from rooftop bars the next day.

If you’ve grown too flaccid on the state, allow me re-pitch your tent.

Today is 303 Day, where we celebrate all things Colorado. (March 3 = 3/03. You’ll get there.)

For your pleasure, I wanted to rib this column with 303 ways to get in the pants of Colorado, but since there’s no room for that (I can’t think of 303 ways to do anything), this is a PSA telling you to put on your Colorado pride today. Pull down Colorado’s pants and give it an old-fashioned spanking. (First put a carrot in its mouth. Bruxism is fo real, bitches.)

Random: Since Colorado’s official state pet is a rescue animal (aw), go adopt one and name him/her Hickenlooper/Amendment 64. The Dumb Friends League in Denver is celebrating by offering $3.03 pet adoptions for dogs and cats 1 year and older on Tuesday only.)

Good talk.

 

Christy Fantz: twitter.com/fantzypants

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