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Marsh

Hiccups are literally The Worst.

One of the more upsetting things I’ve read about Ebola is that people die during the hiccupping phase. Burn me at the stake, impale me, throw me in a pit of venomous snakes, but please don’t let me hiccup to death.

Due to hiccup hatred, I’ve spent years honing the perfect cure.

Generally hiccups arise when I’ve been drinking too much, so my research has been slow to progress; I spent years trying the traditional methods, holding my breath, having friends scare me, none of it worked.

Thus began some alternative experiments.

Like during my yoga phase, when I thought hiccups could be alleviated through meditation. It’s hard to find calmness in a loud bar, so after excusing myself from the table, I found a quiet spot on a curb outside. I closed my eyes and began to breathe deeply. When I woke up an hour later a homeless man had snuggled up next to me. That was the end of that experiment.

Then there was last year when I was heavy into running. It occurred to me that running snaps the body into a perfect rhythm. (I’m no doctor of medicine, but I assume it’s because otherwise your heart would explode.) So, my theory was that the body would shut down the hiccups to operate at maximum capacity.

This made my next bout of hiccups the perfect test.

I once again excused myself from the table, took to the alley behind Denver’s Park Tavern and started running back and forth as fast as I could in my high heels — and it worked. I was out of breath and sweaty, but my hiccups had stopped completely.

The only downside to the running method is that is that it cannot be used in all situations — especially at night on the outskirts of Vail where there are no street lights, uneven roads and wildlife.

And apparently it’s alarming for bystanders to watch a young woman running up and down an alley at night. The good people of Capitol Hill waited until I was on my third lap before yelling from their balcony: “Are you OK, lady? You know, no one is chasing you?”

“Yes (hiccup), I’m fine! Just (hiccup) taking a quick jog!”

In short, use discretion when scouting a location. But if you can find a safe, well-lit street, the running method has a 100 percent success rate.

Liz Marsh’s “Running Under the Influence” runs twice a month in the Colorado Daily.

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