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Christy Fantz
Christy Fantz

Dear Christy,

My girlfriend is all pissed off that I won’t let her join my March Madness pool with my buddies. She’d be the only girl if she did, and she doesn’t know shit about college basketball, so I don’t want her to embarrass me. How can I let her down easy?

—Boy’s Club

Sporty Spice:

Your pillow fort is hurting my hangover with its “no girls allowed” banter. Plus it stinks like urine in there from that sword-fighting bucket in the corner, under all those measuring tapes and power tools.

Boy time, am I right?

Since you’re apprised of the March Madness of things, then you’re aware that predicting the hoops field of winners in the NCAA tourney is just one fat guessing game.

Choosing your own March Madness adventure entails A) sitting on the safety net of bidding on the top seeds or B) the science of finding the upsets.

Luckily, scenario A is as easy as literally choosing the top seed, listed right there on the brackets. And luckily for us, scenario B is not a science. The lower-seeded team is penned in.

Even Kanye could do it.

Or really, anyone who can read and write. (Abort mission, Kanye.)

Then there’s this: According to some fancy math forum study at Drexel, with the expansion of the tournament field to 68 teams in 2011, there are “147.57 quintillion possibilities for the possible winners.”

I don’t do math — and I thought quintillion was a fake word* — but that leaves us with what scientists like to call a shitload of options open for an assbunch of people to fill out a metric fuckton of brackets, regardless of any NCAA hoops knowledge at all.

So, if you want to keep your girlfriend from your manly dance with the boys, fair enough, you can have a boy’s club. Just don’t claim she’s going to embarrass you because with these statistics, the only one who really needs to be embarrassed is your mom. That woman has to clean out your stupid fort.

Now go take off your shirts and have a pillow fight.

*Shhh. I do words, not numbers.

Christy,

I’m developing a slow, but steady crush on my boss. She’s married and older than me, but she flirts with me all the time. I know I shouldn’t interfere with someone in a marriage, but can’t I just flirt back?

—New Guy at the office

You must be young:

She’s your boss, fool. And she’s married.

She’s probably flirting with you because she’s lacking attention from her man at home — however, this does not mean it’s your job to mistress-ize a marriage.

No flirting back, young man, or I will spank you.

Keep your fantasies in your pants. Unless you’re looking to erase this experience from your resume, shut it down.

Of course if you’re an intern, make the boss squeal. It’s your job, right? But first, go get her a bagel.

Christy Fantz: twitter.com/fantzypants

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