Trading places

Fritz and Fantz are swapping columns this week. Read Fantz’s Monday column here:

Dear Jeanine,

I’m not having sex. It’s been like ten months. And I don’t care, but I feel like I should.

Good day,

Angst in My Pants

Dear Chastity,

I too am going through a phase where tumbleweeds blow freely through my crotchal region. It’s fine. Sometimes people don’t want to play hide the sausage. Or make the monster with two backs. Or bake the potato. Or batter-dip the corndog. Or [redacted.] Or cream the Twinkie. Or harpoon the salty shoreman.

But let me ask you this: did all that sexy talk get you in the mood? No? Me neither. Wanna come over and watch BBC mysteries with me? Bring your poncho though, you can’t have mine.

Dear Fritz,

I found my sister’s playlists at our family’s vacation house. Some of them are normal — “Family Jams,” “Sleepytime,” “Crossfit,” — you know, stuff you’d expect. But then I found other playlists with names like “Boner Jams,” “Log Jammin'” and “Peanut Butter and Jam Me in the Ass.” While I appreciate my sister’s healthy interest in sex, I’m struggling with this because not only are the songs weirdly unsexy, they’re terrible. As in, bad music. I want to stick tampons in my ears because they won’t stop bleeding.


Vincent Van Gogh

Dear Vinnie,

Make her a new playlist with Christian songs: “God Is Always Watching,” “Jesus Sees You,” “Baby Jesus Wept,” and like, “Mary, Mary, Why You Buggin,'” then name it “The Filthiest Sexytime Playlist Ever Let’s Bone Yeah.” Cue the hijinks.

Dear Fritz,

My sister-in-law is super anal and demands that my house — MINE — needs to be cleaner, but then she left used condoms in the trash and on the floor. How do I confront her?


Dear You,

The next time she stays at your house, leave a balloon animal on her bed made of condoms.

Dear Fritz,

Why is a big package so great?


I Love It When You Call Me Big Poppa

Hey Poppa,

Small packages are okay too, man, but I think the main reason everyone loves a big package is there’s usually a big present inside! WHOOO! Christmas!

Hey Fritz,

My dog gets up on the bed every time my wife and I are having sex. That’s been going for weeks, but three days ago, my cat started joining in. She lays across the top of my head like some kind of furry headband. I love my pets but I don’t want to LOVE my pets. What can I do?


Beastie Boy

Dear Ad-Rock,

Might be time to start thinking about boundaries. And doors. And let’s remember: Steve Irwin got too close to animals and look what happened to him.

Jeanine Fritz:

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