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  • Fritz

  • Courtesy image

    Head first, like Pete Rose.

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Dear Jeanine,

The other day, someone asked me if I’d gotten to “second base” on my date. I don’t know what constitutes second base. What in the hell do any of the bases mean?

Confused in the Dugout

Dear Dugout,

Crazy-great timing you have, my dear, since Opening Day for all 30 MLB teams was like, yesterday. Or next Monday if, like me, you’re only counting the home opener in S.F. (I started out a Dodgers fan but will be cut out of the will if I don’t cheer the Giants on. I like baseball, but if I’m honest, I like wearing the hats as much as watching the game.)

Speaking of wearing hats – a “hat” (which is what my college boyfriend and I called condoms) isn’t necessary at first base, because first base is Frenching. Second base is heavy petting — you can play shirts or skins, it doesn’t matter. Dry humping falls into this category. Third base is oral sex. Home plate is classic boning.

Beyond that, you might be interested to know the dugout is where you’ll need the most lube, headfirst slides and hidden ball tricks require expertise, you can never go wrong with a good bat handler, solid infielders have soft hands, be wary of switch hitters, setup pitchers are great but the closers are what you need, designated hitters are friends with benefits, a press box is a woman who dishes every detail to her girlfriends afterwards, never Google “slump buster,” and a 3-6-3 double play is when a ball is hit to the dude on first (player 3), who throws it to the shortstop (player 6) to get the runner out and then hurls it to first base (back to player 3) to get the batter out. Sexy stuff.

Hey Fritz,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years and he doesn’t really bother with foreplay anymore. I kinda miss it. Any suggestions?

Straight to Home Plate

Hey Home Plate,

Yes, I do. Sit your special manfriend down in front of the television and make him watch “Bull Durham” — if he has any taste, he’ll have seen it several times. Then when Crash yells at Nuke and says, “Relax, all right? Don’t try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring. Besides that, they’re fascist. Throw some ground balls – it’s more democratic,” you tell him to stop throwing strikeouts in the bedroom and throw you some damn ground balls. If he looks confused, tell him it’s a metaphor. If that fails, tie him up and read him some Whitman.

Just the Tip: Using incognito mode when checking out porn sites doesn’t protect you from third party tracking, which is embedded on most web sites, so I’ll see you at the bookstore later. Bring cash.

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