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Fritz

Dear Jeanine,

I agreed to get a couples massage with my husband, but the truth is, I don’t like strangers touching me. I’m afraid I’m going to accidentally punch the person massaging me. Can you help?

Hands Off

Dear Stranger Danger,

I hear you. This past weekend a bunch of my lady friends were signed up to get massages, and my friend Hala and I were in your same predicament: We also don’t like getting touched by strangers. She’s so skittish, she accidentally punched her husband in the nose on their first date because he poked her in the ribs. (He doesn’t poke her in the ribs anymore.)

Hala had never had a massage before, so we decided to do a short 20-minute session. We were side by side, laying on our fronts with our faces in that hole (yes, I know how that sounds) and the sounds I was hearing to my left made it hard for me to relax. Under oath, I would have sworn I heard a lot farting and then Hala either tapping out or slapping the poor lady, but it was just a squeaky chair and the masseur’s hands smacking Hala on the back. I’m pleased to report Hala did not punch the masseur in the nose.

She also didn’t close her eyes. She spent the entire time staring at the carpet, judging the woman’s shoes and wondering why she was paying for it when the other person got to do all the slapping — and how much is too much ass massage. (The woman spent an inordinate amount of time on our asses — first one cheek, then the other, then both at the same time. It was both hilarious and uncomfortable.)

If you really want to go, choose the shortest amount of time, close your eyes when you’re in the hole, tell the person if something is too rough and let them know this is your first time and that you’re uncomfortable.

Or cancel. It’s your ass and you get to choose who goes to town on it.

Dear Jeanine,

I’m a pretty good-looking, fit dude, but I have “innie” nipples and feel weird taking my shirt off. Summer’s around the corner; I need to get over this. Help a brother out?

Shirts, Not Skins

Dear Pal,

You know what? I have a biopsy scar that looks a little like a third nipple.

My friend has an outie belly button and won’t wear bikinis.

My other friends have: frog toes, grey hair, tiny lady mustaches, stretch marks, birthmarks, boobs that aim away from each other, pot bellies, bald spots, weird moles, lady beards, hammer thumbs and a host of other not-PhotoShopped stuff they feel shy about. They’re still fabulously good-looking.

Show off your innies — someone out there will be relieved they’re not alone.

Jeanine Fritz: twitter.com/J9Fritzy.

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