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Fantz in Your Pants: Helmet head
Fantz in Your Pants: Helmet head

Dear Christy,

My boyfriend never wears a helmet when he rides his motorcycle. Apparently you don’t have to in Colorado? I think that’s just ludicrous. Have any tips for me in getting him to be safe? He’s not a bad driver, I just would feel more at ease if he would protect his noggin.

—Moto Babe

Harley hag:

You are correct. It is ludicrous. Like, move bitch. Get out the way.

And the adjective.

Apparently in Colorado, motorcycle riders and passengers 17 and younger are the only ones required to wear a helmet. Actually, upon further research, many states only state that single requirement.

We read the news, we hear horror stories, we curse over the rattle of speeding highway vehicles when some jerkoff cruises between two cars on a double-lane highway at 20 over the speed limit, lest to avoid traffic.

Some are lucky. Some are still alive. And those who fly by just inches from my driver’s side door are lucky I don’t clothesline them. (Don’t give bikers a bad name, dolts. Just on Memorial Day, this tough guy on I-70 in Denver was weaving in and out of traffic and flew across four lanes to quickly exit, creating a brake light fiesta of red-faced, fist-shaking drivers. He had no helmet on. He must have a giant penis.)

Your man may be a safe biker, he may follow the laws and he may have invisible purple dragons with metal jackets guiding him through traffic, but he doesn’t have the Moron Driver Alert. Just because he’s safe doesn’t mean he’s invisible. And there is quite a high percentage of dreadful drivers on the road.

No helmet is not sexy. If he’s trying to look tough while cruising around on his hot pink crotch rocket, he’d look better with a helmet. (Mmm. Like a robot.)

All you can do is encourage him to be a smart individual. If he doesn’t listen, then hopefully he wears a helmet on his other head, so he can’t procreate. Because ignorance and intolerance shouldn’t breed. Make him keep that sperm inside his balls of steel.

Dear Christy,

Do you think dudes with feminine voices have a hard time holding down a dame? My brother is super attractive, but his voice is almost cartoonish, and he can never get a girl.

—Pip Squeak

Ray Romano:

I think society is a twisted shrew. I think any trait that spills over norm’s box is ripe for ridicule.

This is very unfortunate. But I also think there are kind humans out there who don’t care if Prince Charming sounds like Kristen Schaal. Or that a broad more than six-feet tall is not a transvestite. Or that any kind of emotional, tangible or physical deformity is just an extension of a beautiful personality. (Get a room.)

Look at Gilbert Gottfried. That man probably has to power hose ass out of his mansion, he gets so much. Fine. Maybe not Gottfried, but Chris Tucker.

Tell your brother that confidence is the sexiest beast to collect. He should wear it loud and proud.

And, your mom’s a dame.

Christy Fantz: