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This is Fantz and her spawn.
Courtesy photo
This is Fantz and her spawn.

Christy Fantz has worked for the Colorado Daily for 11 years now, doing just about everything. She takes a break as editor to pen the sex and relationship column, “Fantz in Your Pants” every Tuesday.

She answers reader’s questions — many of which involve NSFW banter — so email her to get some satirical advice.

Now let’s get into her pants.

Tell us something juicy about yourself.

I’m terrified of animals with horns. Namely: hunted, quartered, dissected, stuffed and hung on walls like art. Taxidermy triggers panic attacks. I think a moose roofied and sexually assaulted me in a past life. Too much? It’s really the only explanation.

What do you love about your job?

Making readers laugh, gasp, spit out coffee and get raging angry at my written word is a pretty cool superpower. If they pee a little, then a beer’s on me. (Mystery can. I’m a starving journalist.)

Tell us an awesome childhood memory.

When I was about 7 years old, my mom took us to a screen-printing shop and told us we could pick whatever neat design we wanted and make our own T-shirts. I chose a sparkly green pot leaf to go on a pink shirt. It was shiny. My mom and the screen-printing man pow-wowed, and he recreated the leaf by trimming some stems and crafted it into a “tree.”

You take a lot of pride in your hair. Let’s say Trump offers you the most expensive chain of hotels to make your hair look like his hair. What kind of toilets will be in the hotel rooms?

I do love my hair, but if there’s multi-million dollars involved, I’ll put a decomposing raccoon on my dome.

Just the tip: When I was knocked up, those pre-natal vitamins made my hair and nails grow like the GOP’s nose, so I’ll just chase handfuls of those with handles of whiskey while I’m sitting on my purple cashmere massage toilet.

If I eat these watermelon seeds, will I die? (I really need to know.)

You may. I don’t know because I’m allergic to watermelons. I’m allergic to most raw fruits and vegetables. People think I say that so I can subsist on booze and pizza alone, but my throat swells up. (I’ll take your word that avocado is delicious.)

You probably won’t die, but you may grow a watermelon in your belly. The good news is that people will think you’re pregnant and buy you doughnuts. When you do grow your watermelon baby, can you chain smoke cigarettes and shotgun PBR tall boys on the Pearl Street mall? I’ll YouTube it while Boulder publicly shames you.

What famous writer would you like to share a bunk with at summer camp, and what would you sneak into the room?

As a writer and editor of a newspaper, I feel the need to say some sort of fancy assbag who revolutionized the literary world with trailblazing prose. (Smoke another blunt, Shakespeare.)

I’ll say either Mitch Hurwitz or Tina Fey. A goal of mine is to write a TV show. Not only did Hurwitz spearhead whip-genius writing on “Arrested Development,” but he also was a contributing writer for the “Golden Girls.”

And Tina Fey, because Liz Lemon and Jack Donaghy embody my favorite TV pair. I’d sneak in a vat of whiskey in so we could play spin the barrel.

It’s not about the gag, dear sweet comedies. It’s about the intricate dynamics and character development.

Who is your real-life hero?

My mom. She’s the sweetest, most loving and purest hearted person in the entire world. She’s a little scared of my columns, but she still loves me. I strive to have a relationship with my daughter like I have with my mommy.

You’re a sex and relationship columnist: tell us some turn-ons.

Get the hell out of my pants, fool. I answer your relationship questions. Turn-ons are for Husband to know and for your mom to execute.

Christy Fantz: twitter.com/fantzypants

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