Fantz

Dear Christy,

My girlfriend’s mom has huge hair, like southern-style Texas hair, do you know what I mean? She looks so stupid, I wish I could tell her to update it. But, every time I make fun of it to my girl, she gets really mad. Apparently girls don’t like cracks about their moms? Take a joke, right?

—Hair to stay

Chopped:

Oh, sugar.

Come get a quick hug before some broad guts your nuts.

Now get off me.

Lest you’re donning armor, lesson No. 1: Do not ever tell a lady her hair looks stupid, and No. 2: Don’t ever make fun a girl’s mother to her face.

Do find yourself asking not pregnant women how far they along they are? Do you tell sexist jokes to broads in bank lines? Do your elevator rides consist of telling people you saw the tightest ass ever today?

If you’ve answered “yes” to all three, you may have chauvinistic tendency syndrome. Take these pills twice a day and wash them down with antifreeze.

Manners, man. They’re a good time.

People get stuck in styles, eras, decades, Aqua Net, Adele Arakawa. Look at Trump. Even with zillions of cash, Batman hashtags and all his “important” biz, he’s sporting the same look that was conceived after his other helmet got de-foreskined.

(Speaking of Trump, he told a crowd at a dinner in Iowa in June that he promises America a new hairdo if he becomes president. Why? Because his combover takes too much time to maintain, according to the Daily Mail.)

Anyway, who cares if Mom has stupid hair? Are you trying to butter her bread? Does she stick rebel flags in it? (Kid Rock does too! But in his boyfriend’s merkin.)

I think you only have one option, pal. Make fun of Mom behind her back to anyone but her daughter. Then contemplate why this life crisis vexes you so.

Fantz:

This girl I just started dating has worn the same outfit every single time. Sure, it’s only been three dates spaced out over a month, but I would think that she would want to show varying style. Don’t you think? To top things off, in her only two Tinder photos she has that SAME outfit on. WTH?

—Dress to impress

Uniform:

As a frequenter of same outfits, I feel your new date. As in her feelings — not fondling her in worn-out threads.

But as a frequenter of changing outfits three times a day, I feel you. As in inside your skinny jeans. (We can all see it, anyway.)

Maybe she forgot she wore it the first two times? Maybe she owns 100 of them? Maybe it’s her most (insert one/all of the following: comfy, slimming, flattering, dazzling, expensive, fancy, sexy, stylish, date-appropriate) outfit. Maybe her other costume is pasties and thongs. Or mascots. Or strap-ons.

Stalk her a little. Not like a creepy, look-through-her-window stalk. Like outfit scans on social media. If you work/play in the same area, “run into” her for lunch and see what she has on. Or just wait until your next date and when she shows up, say, “You really like that outfit, don’t you?” Then wait for either a purse to clock you, or a cheeky reply.

Man. You and dude from the first question need to gangbang a new reality series, “Destroying Her Self Esteem, The Musical.”

I’ll start soaking my tampons in whiskey to prepare my feelings.

Read more Fantz: ColoradoDaily.com/columnists. Stalk her: twitter.com/fantzypants

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