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Fantz

Dear Christy,

My ex got drunk one night and punched a hole in my bedroom wall. Now that I’ve moved out and I dumped him, my landlord took $550 out of my deposit for the hole. I want to ask the ex for the money back, but, as you can see, he’s a volatile man. What would you do?

—Strapped for cash

Hole hearted:

My first instinct is to tell you to run screaming from the fool (or at him with a bat), but I also realize that $550 is a big hunk of change if you’re not privileged enough to suck off Trust Fund’s drooping teat.

Text him or email him (do not do it in person) and explain the situation. Maybe he’ll be super cool about it and you can have him mail you a check. (They do exist. Paper checks. Not perfect scenarios.)

What will really happen is that he’ll fire red rage out of his dragon jowls. That’s when you drop it. A chunk of lost money will forever blow, but when dealing with a ticking bomb whose punch will likely go through a future face, it’s not worth risk. Chalk up the loss to being an intelligent woman for wiping out wrath and pat yourself on the ass. Any break up is hard and I commend thee for not putting up with his fits of pique.

Fantz:

I’ve done almost 100 half-marathons and I really want my boyfriend to join me in one. I think it would be a fun bonding experience. He’s not out of shape or anything, but he’s just not into my plan. He never likes to do anything I like to do and it’s really upsetting me. He has nothing to lose besides a Saturday morning.

—Want a fun run

Running with scissors:

Do you mean drinking marathon?

Oh.

I’ll give you a bonding experience.

Look, some people just aren’t into collecting heavy medal. Or watching heels hit cement. Or running. Or energy.

It’s fine for you to hang on to what pumps your euphoria, but if he’s not into this particular high, you may have to just leave him to his own drug.

Running events may sparkle and shine in your ojos, but maybe his version of “fun bonding” is over competitive-eating podcasts, Steel Reserve and Taco Bell. So, assuming you’re not into that, you can’t smother him in your interests.

However, just because you don’t have much in common doesn’t mean you can’t be in love. There’s a world of wonders you can bond over, just go fetch a common interest. And if you can’t find one, you may be hauling ass towards a dead goal. Love alone can only stretch so far.

(Besides a Saturday morning, you say. That’s college football, woman.)

Christy,

Let’s play marry, screw, kill: Nicki Minaj, Ron Howard’s ugly brother, Josh Duggar.

Go!

Assjam:

You couldn’t even Google Clint Howard? You jag.

Marry Clint, screw Nicki, kill Josh. I’m not happy any of this came out of my closet, but now you can put that in your whack rag and stroke it, weirdo.

Christy Fantz: 303-473-1107, fantz@coloradodaily.com or twitter.com/fantzypants

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