Like that Indiana ethanol plant I grew up snorting, Halloween is in the air.
You have 11 days to get your shit together, so I’m helping you out with some costume ideas for a twosome. Grab your lover, grab your friend, grab some ass and never make amends.
Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom
(You’re too soon.)
In light of Khloe’s ex-husband Lamar not waking up face-down in Vegas brothel concrete — and the “estranged” Kardashian remaining steadfast by his bedside while he comas it off — this could make for a creative Halloween costume.
Khloe: An ass-baring trampfit, a metric ton of makeup, a padded Armenian booty and a name tag that reads, “Hello, My Name is Pushover.”
Odom: CNN told me that a “pinkish fluid” was coming out of his mouth and nose. Do with that as you may. Blow some lines of baking soda, affix a condom to your fly and … PSA … Don’t blackface it, fools. A simple Heat, Lakers, Mavericks, or Clippers jersey will suffice (what an NBA village bike).
And stilts, of course.
A millennial and a Gen-Xer
You two can punch it out Mike Tyson- or Pikachu-style with these generational divides. (Mike Tyson, millennials, is more than that face-tattooed “actor” who jams ass to Phil Collins. And Pickachu, dearest old bastards, is a yellow Pokémon. Go back to sleep. Both of you.)
Millennial: (male) Tight, cuffed pants, messenger bag, full beard, craft beer, craft beer shirt, craft beer pins and suede derby shoes. (female) Leggings, cropped sweater, boat shoes, round shades. (both) Selfie sticks.
Gen-Xer: Doc Martens, flannel shirts and a Nirvana T-shirt. Wait. That’s what you fuckers wear now. Maybe some Fresh Prince of Bel-Air flair? Grunge, goth or glam-rock. Whatver. Just keep those bangs high.
Randy Quaid and Uncle Eddie
Onetime actor Randy Quaid now looks like Mr. Claus French screwed an electric socket. I lost track of his alleged law-breakage, but recently saw a photo of him and he looks amazing.
His portrayal of one of my favorite characters, Uncle Eddie in National Lampoon’s “Vacation” movies, you and a pair should play him and his alter ego.
Randy Quaid: You need an unkempt Santa beard and a frizzy white wig, some black-rimmed glasses (you already have) and bathrobe over transient garb. Talk to your “wife” on your iDildo.
Uncle Eddie: Cigar dangling from lips, tighty-whities under a bathrobe, trouser socks under slippers and a trooper aviator flap hat.
When someone poops or farts, we laugh. And now we can enjoy the puerile humor via smartphone.
Craft a pair of turds by draping a hoop skirt in brown material and make the emoji face with white felt.
Keep it pretty, fools. You make mama proud.