Dear Christy,

I’m single. I have a pair of underwear that might be a decade old. There are a couple of little holes and they’re not the original color any longer, but they fit better than any pair I own. Do I have to throw them out?

—Old McSkivvies

Under worn out:

As long as you frequently launder the mud flaps — and don them only among TV stories, fur kids and vibrators — there’s really no reason to suffocate the Dumpster. (Although if they’re the catalyst to melted batteries, go to your room and contemplate how your lingerie makes dildos cry.)

I still have my childhood blankie — a strip of silk surrounding a Catholic guilt-sized burn hole, frayed with unraveled, crisped-cotton strands. Sure, I don’t dress my pants masterpiece with it, but many of us hold on to significant threads.

However, since your retention seems to be comfort-related, maybe consider springing for some fresh fruit of the loins. And if parting causes sweet sorrow, then routinely comb for bugs — and if you must take them out to play, be prepared for hot fireman to amputate the rag in the event of pelvic impalement, jaws-of-life misadventure or a wooden-spoon-stuck-in-your-butthole accident. (We know. You “fell” on it.)

Just the tip: Don’t wear those rags under a skirt. Aging sag gives the appearance of a faux load between your thighs. In the event of gusty winds, please don’t subject us to this.

Dear Christy,

Every time I stay over at a new crush’s house, I get terrible gas. I know it’s because I’m nervous, and I know nerves are normal, but I don’t know how to move forward. It’s been like this since I started dating. I feel like my choices are: 1) Dutch-oven action 2) never sleeping over. You have any ideas for me?


Farty Butt:

First, know that beer and beans are not true friends. Don’t listen to Peter Griffin.

Second, we all fart. Don’t be embarrassed. However, the terror is tangible when one slips out — like when you bend over to get the cheap bag of pork rinds at King Soopers, or sneeze-fart in line at Pleasures.

Some have gassier guts than others and some intestines flare when nerves take hold. Anal acoustics are a natural occurrence we can’t take full control over. Curb your diet before a slumber party: no beans or lentils; no asparagus, broccoli, Brussels sprouts and cabbage; lactose can irk the stomach — as well as starch-rich foods and various whole grains.

Ergo, only eat whiskey and cigarettes pre-bang. After smashing genitals, the next morning you can Taco Bell como un jefe because rules state he won’t call you for three days anyway.

Just the tip: If you must dutch oven, insist it’s him who’s farting. Hypnotize him with a Little Tree Freshener, channel Kevin Nealon and have him repeat after you: “I am a smelly pig.”

Read more Fantz: Stalk her:

blog comments powered by Disqus