Skip to content

Dear Christy,

I’m single and since it’s nearing Christmas holiday season, I’ve started to carry around a mistletoe to the bars and just hovering it over my head when cute girls walk by. Inventive, right?


Spit swap:

Yeah. Props for inventing the mistletoe kiss.

Oh, inventive because it’s not Christmas yet? You silly goose. Get Mark Cuban on the horn.

Whatever salves your saliva blues, man. Some smooch-seekers spit idiocrasy via pickup lines, some rub-a-dub-chub in the club and some peep under a shit-stained poncho inside portable toilets.

Romance comes in all flavors.

But there’s no harm in giving the ladies a smile, so knock yourself out. If someone fancies a smooch, she’ll plop one on you. This oft initiates moist crotch, which, in turn, can lead to pie-fives. (The clap will be on next week’s syllabus.)

Google told me that mistletoe is said to be derived from the Anglo-Saxon words “mistel” (dung) and “tan” (twig). So all signs really point to you keeping that shit branch held high.

I’m not sure what your question is, so I’ll continue to blather.

Worst-case scenario: You look like an asshole with numb arms when you should be double-fisting bar drinks. Best case: You grow flaming sores for dessert. So, we’re talking about a bargain deal, here, pal. Keep it up. It’s this kind of ingenuity that will one day change the status quo.

Now go get a straw, bitch. Your Cosmo isn’t going to barf itself.

Dear Christy,

My girlfriend was Kim Kardashian for Halloween. After over-enjoying stuffing her derriere for the occasion, she’s now for real looking into getting a prosthetic butt. Is that just the dumbest thing you’ve ever heard? How can I convince her to stay flat?

— Cut the curves

Baby got back:

No. The dumbest thing I’ve heard this web season is “adulting.” (My faux-word epidemic ebbs and flows with my inner editor’s epilepsy.) But thanks for asking.

Some people are insecure with what their genes endowed upon them, some simply wish to enhance their jeans and some feel the need to caricature some sweet cheeks. If someone is intent on padding, tucking, nipping or sucking, oftentimes there’s no stopping them.

However, your broad’s fetish seems to be fresh. Maybe she’s just high on Halloween hijinks and needs to be reminded that she’s got the natural goods — and you like her the way she is. Be sure she knows that. Perhaps her confidence is temporarily sagging and she needs to be pumped with loving flattery. (Which you’re doing all the time regardless, right? Atta boy.)

Feel free to quote the esteemed prose of Sir Mix-A-Lot in an effort to back your argument to her: Silicone parts are made for toys.

If she’s still insistent on plastic surgery, well, it’s her trunk and her junk — and, admit it dude, your anaconda don’t want none unless she’s got buns, hon.

Read more Fantz: Stalk her:

Join the Conversation

We invite you to use our commenting platform to engage in insightful conversations about issues in our community. We reserve the right at all times to remove any information or materials that are unlawful, threatening, abusive, libelous, defamatory, obscene, vulgar, pornographic, profane, indecent or otherwise objectionable to us, and to disclose any information necessary to satisfy the law, regulation, or government request. We might permanently block any user who abuses these conditions.