Who brought the cricket into the house?
Is it necessary to step in your own poop right after leaving it?
Why do you hold perfectly still when I put your hot dog costume/jacket on, but not when I put on your leash?
Why do you run in circles the second you’re done pooping?
There was a perfectly preserved dead squirrel a foot away from you; why was it more important to yank me five feet back to smell a pile of leaves?
Are you solving a mystery?
Why do I keep finding cat litter outside the box?
Aren’t cats supposed to be clean?
Are there any plans for the cricket later?
Is the mystery you’re working on every time we take a walk, “Who peed here?”
Am I going to find the cricket tomorrow morning when I step out of the shower?
When you are solving the “Who peed here?” mystery, are you just deciding where to pee yourself?
If I do find the cricket the second I step out of the shower tomorrow morning, are you the kind of pets that will heroically find my phone and dial 911, or are you the kind that will eat me when I’m dead?
Do you really like watching detective shows as much as I do, or are you humoring me?
Are the detective shows helping you at all with solving the pee mystery?
Would it be possible to take a walk and actually walk the whole time and take a day off from your detective job?
Did you leave the cricket for the spiders I erroneously thought you were going to chase and eat?
Are you peeing upstairs so it drips down exactly between where I barbecue and where I write?
Is the cricket your pet?
Is it possible your “Who peed here?” caseload is spiraling out of control?
Can pets have pets? Because I’m not convinced that’s a thing and I’m not sure a cricket is the best choice.
I got an extra large electric blanket for a reason; why is it still important to sit on top of my head?
Don’t you think it would’ve been polite to let me know beforehand you were bringing another animal —- yes, your ever-lovin’ cricket — into the house?
Why do you use the dog door when the sliding glass door is open?
Why do you run into the sliding glass door when you’ve already conked your head on it enough times to make it perfectly visible via face marks?
Do you know how to feed and care for a cricket? Because I don’t.
Why do you only pay attention to me when I’m in the hallway?
Do you think the only time I’m in the hallway is when I’m getting your disgusting, squishy cat food? Because that’s not the case, dude.
Who’s a good boy?
Who’s momma’s other good boy?
Can one of you please take the cricket back outside?