I once loved Christmas. Then I loathed its stupid white smut. Now I love it again — and it’s not because Santa has gone hipster with his vintage sweater, beard and man bun. (Google Portland Santa, complete with Chucks.)
I love classic Christmas tunes, holiday leggings, eggnog and whiskey, Black Friday shopping (shut your gasp) and pretty lights.
So since my beer gut is jingling with holiday joy, here 12 random holiday things to get your bells jingling. (Because if we walked into a room of 12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers piping, 10 lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, FIVE GOLDEN RINGS, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree — shit would go down.)
12. Shoes for Saint Nick
St. Nicholas’ Day was Sunday. You were supposed to leave your shoes out in the foyer to be filled with treats. (Treats bathing in a den of iniquity gives you chest hair.) Now share with those who forgot.
11. “Christmas Vacation”
Flick your Bic to some Colorado bud and put this National Lampoon’s holiday classic on repeat. Clark! The herald angels sing: Griswolds are in full holiday swing.
10. Holiday hooch
Make yourself some holiday hooch. Eggnog and whiskey, I say. For those who blow dairy post-consumption, there’s some decent soy nogs available. (At least the vegans and lactose intolerants will avoid salmonella poisoning by not consuming raw eggs. The rest of us like diarrhea.)
9. Stupid sweaters
Oh so passé. Get one anyway. At least when you’re swathed in a lump of unsightly scratchy material, you can plow holiday hooch — judgement free.
8. Eight maids a-milking
So, that’s eight broads milking cows, then? Or is that eight babies belly-up to mom’s jugs? Whatever the case, it’s what Twelvetide tells us. And Twelvetide knows that Christmas has a severe lack of milking maids. Eight, to be precise.
7. Back that ass up to Santa’s lap
Although Mr. Claus may impose an age limit, it’s worth a look.
6. Do you hear what I hear?
Shake some jingle bells gently while waiting for the chimney to fart out Santa. Then shake someone else’s jingle bells gently after a coat of tingly lube.
5. FIVE GOLDEN RINGS.
4. Snow angels
Do it nearly nude or never nude, but flap around like an asshole in fresh snow-covered dog shit. It makes for great photos.
3. Treat yourself
You deserve something special after saving some holiday cash. That’s where the Pizza Pouch comes in. For $8, this re-sealable plastic pouch can accessorize your neck. Now you will always have a slice nearby in case of emergency. Plus, you look pretty.
2. Yard decorations
Go snap selfies with stupid yard ornaments — like a blow-up Spongebob in a Santa suit. But don’t knock shit over and don’t trespass. But do send me the photo if you find one of Frosty putting out the vibe.
1. A partridge in a pear tree.
Shh, Twelvetide. We get it.