‘Tis the season of gift guides.
“Best Buys for the Bearded Guy in Your Life” or “21 Purr-fect Presents to Make Her Forget She’s Going to Die Alone.” We’ve all seen them, and we’ve seen them all.
But we at the Daily know what will really get your balls jingling, stuff your stocking, trim your tree … You see where I’m going with this.
Here’s a list of some sexy goodies to go beyond the standard “naughty dice.” Maybe if you’re good, Santa will show up with a few of these in his big, swingin’ sack.
For the Bob Ross fangirls
Body paints are ho-hum and hearken back to your finger painting days — not sexy. Now that you’re a functioning member of society, you need to make real art.
With the Love is Art kit, your bits and bobs are the brushes. Just slather on some paint, roll around on the canvas, then hang it up and pray no one distinguishes the smears and slathers for what they are. Starting at $60, loveisartkit.com
Pro tip: You can get all these same supplies for less than $15 at your local art shop.
Pro tip No. 2: An alternating pattern of franks-and-beans in rows gives a nice, William Morris-y feel.
Pro tip No. 3: Getting cold acryllic up your crack is a definite mood killer.
For the discerning palate
Flavored lube is the grown-up version of flavored lip gloss: When you’re young and inexperienced, you think it’s the coolest thing ever. It’s only as you get older that you realize: It tastes like shit and will probably give you cancer.
No grown man (or gal) should have to slather Rocking Razzmatazz or Whalin’ Watermelon on their gibblies. Class it up with the Babelicious line of lubes in adult-friendly flavors: dulce de leche, mojito peppermint, pomegranate vanilla, and chocolate orange. $8 each, babeland.com
Because Astroglide is so 1980s.
For any dude with a pulse
For her, there’s a dick in a box. For him, there’s a whole head.
Presenting the Blowjob in a Box, $25 from babeland.com.* Includes flavored lube and condoms, a cock ring and something called a “finger vibe” shaped like a rabbit for “stimulating his perineum” — that’s taint, to you uneducated plebians. A New Brunswick, if you’re Canadian.
I’m sure there’s a joke in here somewhere about coming in a box, but I just can’t put my finger on it …
*Dick not included
For the 50 Shades fan
I’m gonna go ahead and admit that I’ve never seen this “film” or read the “novels,” but I’m going to guess it had a candle wax scene, the clique-est of all bedroom cliques.
Don’t just use any old Clean Cotton Yankee Candle to hot wax your gens. Spend a little extra and spring for a soy massage oil candle specifically made for your deviance: $24 at pureromance.com
The container is covered in chalkboard paint and comes with two pieces of chalk, so you can write fun, sexy messages to your lover.
Or you could just draw dicks. Your choice.
Shay Castle: Twitter.com/shayshinecastle